The Skeleton & The Carpenter

The Complete History of Hardware Guy, Unabridged, Part I

        The story of Hardware Guy is a tragic one. It is a story of loved ones being taken away one-by-one until there was no one left to love. But Hardware Guy, the optimist that he was, did not see it that way.

"Life has been pretty darn good to me up 'till now." he told Roger. "You may think some parts of my story are sad, but don't let me catch you feelin' bad for me, you hear?"

Roger nodded, unsure of what to expect next.

"I'm the youngest of three boys. The earliest memory I can remember," said Hardware Guy, "is of my oldest brother, Ollie. The thing about Ollie is that he was fifteen years older than me. Come to think of it, he still is. So I'm two and he's..." Hardware Guy quickly counted on his fingers, "...seventeen. I'm sitting in my high chair just starin' at him. Ollie had a big hunk of cheese that he was gnawing at – he was always eatin' cheese, seeing as it was his favorite food and all. So he sees that I'm watching him and he walks over to me. He starts baby-talkin' and goochie-gooin' me, and puts his cheese down on my height chair, freein' up his hands so he can squish my cheeks together. Bein' a curious toddler, I picked up the cheese and looked at the peeled back label.

" 'Limburger!' I read it out loud. It was my first word. Can you believe that, Rog? My parents later told me they were worried 'cause I hadn't spoken a single word yet, and then I went and said my first word and learned how to read, all at once. Ollie let out one big laugh and flashed me the biggest smile I've ever seen. But I didn't just say it once; I wouldn't shut up! I kept on sayin' 'Limburger' over and over again. 'Limburger. Limburger. Limburger!' From then on, that's what I called Ollie. Matter of fact, I never called him Ollie to his face. He was always Limburger to me. Still is, as far as I'm concerned. Problem is, I only knew him for three years.

"When I was three, Limburger started bringin' around a girlfriend. Mom and Dad didn't like this girl for whatever reason. I barely remember her at all. What I do remember is that Mom and Dad and Ollie would always get into a fight after he got home from seein' her. Every time, he'd walk in the door and Mom and Dad would start talkin' to him, and sooner than later it'd turn into a shoutin' match. It always made me cry, hearin' them fightin' like that. My other brother, Bubba – his real name's Gulliver, but I've called him 'Bubba' ever since I was a baby and couldn't say 'brother' right – told me, once I was older, that Mom and Dad were tellin' Limburger to stop dating this girl. Ollie didn't like them talkin' about his girlfriend like that, so it'd always turn into a fight.

"Well, one day he'd had about enough of fightin' with our parents. He ran off with that girl of his, and I never saw him again. He took off in the middle of the night. In the mornin', Mom found a note on the kitchen table from him that said he was gonna marry her. And that was the last we ever heard of old Limburger. From then on, it was just me, Bubba, Dad, and Mom..." Hardware Guy paused for a moment, blankly staring at the road ahead of him, and then finished, "until the accident."

Roger could tell that that was a sore spot for his friend, but he could not resist asking,

"The... accident?"

Hardware Guy swallowed hard before he began.

"When I was five, the four of were on vacation down south and we took a tour of a French fry factory..."

Just then, the car came to a sudden stop. Roger was jarred, but quickly realized that Hardware Guy had parked the car. They were in front of a very short house. In Roger's estimation, it was only half-a-story tall.

"Here we are. I'll tell ya what, Rog: I'll tell you the rest of that story on the way home. Meantime, let's you and me lug this weird-lookin' chair into this weird-lookin' house."