↱ Cassettes ↲ Woosan

.3.

For a while, their arrangements worked out. wooyoung would take jisung and and make the long journey to sans apartment. They would sometimes watch a movie or play a board game, but most times they just talked and caught up with each other. Jisung would cry every time they had to leave and asked why his daddy couldn't come back home with them. They said it was necessary and for the best, but it sounded like they were trying to convince themselves more than jisung. The few times they made love, the need was still there, but it lacked the same emotional depth.

Every time san would visit on the weekend, he would spend most his time sleeping and barely even looked at wooyoung or jisung. Work at the office always piled up, making him work over time and more tired than usual. wooyoung realized having him home on the weekends didn't help san and made his fatigue worse, so he said it was fine if he spent them at the apartment. san was apprehensive at first, but came around when wooyoung insisted and thanked him. The visits and calls from wooyoung became less frequent as he got caught up with taking care of jisung and his paintings.

The one thing that stayed consistent, however, was the mailing of cassettes. It was their thing. Back in college, wooyoung was a sucker for the '90s aesthetic. He loved everything vintage and based a lot of his personality around it. He dressed like he was planning on going skating everyday, he changed his hair color every few weeks, and liked to see life as if he was in a movie. He based all his paintings and school projects on the '90s and stayed true to the grunge aesthetic. It was weird, but no one said anything about it because he pulled it off so well. Besides, he looked cute.

One day after class, when wooyoung and san were cuddling in the ladders dorm room, san asked him why he liked using cassettes so much. wooyoung considered the question for a second and replied, "sometimes, you want to say things, but don't have the courage to do so. Whether the cause be anxiety or fear, you end up mumbling like an idiot and embarrass yourself." wooyoung let out a laugh and continued, "you could just write a note, but I find that conveying emotion through letters can be hard. Cassettes can help with that," wooyoung finished.

san rolled his eyes while snickering and said, "just admit you're a '90s hoe and move on."

wooyoung let out a warm giggle that made san's insides melt and pulled him down for a kiss. "Yeah, that too."

wooyoung and jisung would spend an hour everyday decorating their cassette with little hearts and doodles. It was their bonding time and wooyoung loved to watch jisung struggle with holding the crayons properly. The messages that were recorded were brief, but they carried so much emotion that they brought tears to san's eyes every time he listened to them. san always remembered to send a cassette back with his message recorded on it.

The calls were few and the visits stopped completely. It had been months since they had last seen each other in person. But the cassettes never stopped coming. They were what kept everyone sane in their busy and chaotic lives. Everyday san looked forward to opening his mail box and listening to wooyoung's and jisung's voices. They anchored him to reality and kept him from driving off the edge.

The cassettes stopped coming from san a couple months later. The first day that was missed, wooyoung just shrugged it off. The next day was also shrugged off. He still didn't stop sending them to san. After 3 weeks of nothing coming, he decided that he would give san a video call. It took a few calls before san picked up, but when he did, he looked like he was half asleep. They spoke about random things and kept their questions limited to those you would ask a stranger. 'How was your day? Did you eat yet? Are you getting enough sleep?' A few minutes into the call, wooyoung decided to ask the question he really wanted to.

"san, you haven't been sending cassettes anymore. I'm not mad or anything, I just want to know if everything is okay," wooyoung asked, concern lacing his voice.

San looked lost for a moment then asked, "what cassettes?" He was genuinely curious.

wooyoung's heart shattered and he felt the little pieces sink, replying in a soft voice, "the messages we used to send to each other through cassettes..."

If san was being honest, he had completely forgotten about those. He was too tired and had too much work on his plate to really give those cassettes a listen. He used to listen to them religiously and often times they were the highlight of his day, but he hadn't in a while. After one especially tiring and excruciating day at work, san checked his mail and took the cassette back to his apartment. He was too tired to really do anything but shower and eat, so he put the cassette in a drawer and said he would listen tomorrow. The same thing happened the next day; he put listening to the recording off. This went on for a few weeks before he completely stopped paying attention to them.

san felt a pang of guilt and replied, "wooyoung, I've just been really tired recently." He rubbed his eyes and continued, "I'm sorry, but I hope you understand. Anyways, I have to get going, I have to get into work extra early tomorrow." wooyoung hid his hurt behind a small smile and just gave a shaky nod of his head. Why was san being so dismissive? He used to cherish the cassettes wooyoung gave him and said they were one of the best parts of their relationship. san had claimed that the cassettes helped him through some of the darkest times of his life; finals week, when wooyoung would sneak into san's dorm and leave a bunch of cassettes behind with sweet messages on them. He said he never had the heart to throw any of them out and always played them on repeat.

wooyoung supposed he was being stupid and emotional, trying to preserve the part of their relationship that meant the most to them. He was trying to bring an air of familiarity from a time when things were simpler. He felt the tears coming and knew he had to end the call quickly.

"Goodnight, san. I love you."

San hesitated for a moment before replying, "Goodnight, wooyoung. I love..." He took a pause again then continued, "I love you too."