Bitch, Shut the Fuck Up

Chapter 1

Perry has been with OWCA since he was a baby, and he has been at the top of his game since day one. If he had a dollar for every time someone called him OWCA's best agent, the Flynn-Fletchers would never have to work a day in their lives.

Which is why he can't believe his ears when Major Monogram assigns him to Dr. Heinz fucking Doofenshmirtz.

"Bitch, shut the fuck up," Perry snaps. "Doofenshmirtz? Fuckin' 'I'm gonna destroy every shoe in the tri-state area' Doofenshmirtz? Not a chance in hell, buddy."

It's probably worth noting that when people refer to him as the best agent, they mean he gets the job done the most efficiently. They do not mean that he is the best agent to hang out with, or, even worse, to boss around. If he wasn't so good at his job, he's sure Monogram would have kicked his ass out years ago, but as it is, they can't stand to lose their best agent over some sass, and thank god for that. He is overworked, underpaid, and tired as hell, and Monogram deserves to know that.

Monogram gives an exaggerated sigh. He does that every day after Perry swears at him for the first time, probably because he's still convinced Perry gives at least one fuck about his feelings -- spoiler alert: he doesn't -- and he hopes it will make him feel guilty -- spoiler alert: it won't.

"It will just be for today," Monogram assures him. "I know, you're used to bigger threats, but Agent W is out today --"

"Woah, hold the motherfucking phone," Perry interrupts. "Agent W got a day off? I have asked for a day off every fucking week for a year, and you didn't give me any of them. You didn't even give me Christmas off, for fuck's sake, and now the fucking warthog is sticking me with his shit?"

"I know, I know," Monogram says quickly. "Agent W is sick, otherwise he would definitely be here right now --"

"That's such bullshit," Perry says. "I had the flu and you still made me drive to fuckin' Mexico to stop a deal that had already happened."

"Again, I know, but --"

"On Christmas Eve," Perry snaps. He barely made it home before the boys woke up on Christmas morning, and that was after ditching his motorcycle and pushing his jet pack to its absolute limit. It's been four months and he's still bitter about it.

"I know, I'm sorry about that," Monogram says, and Perry can't help but wonder if anyone else has ever gotten an apology out of him.

"You're just sorry you couldn't throw me somewhere more useful," Perry deadpans. "Whatever. What am I doing with Doofenshmirtz?"

Monogram clears his throat and begins the briefing. "Doofenshmirtz has been spotted buying a lot of white fabric and thread. We think he may be up to something, and it's up to you to stop it."

Perry just stares at him.

"That, uh..." Monogram glances around awkwardly. "That's all. You can go now."

"That's it?" Perry repeats. "That's all I got?"

"Um... yeah," Monogram says.

"So you don't know what he's doing?" Perry says incredulously.

"Well, no, but --"

"For all you know, he's just trying to make another pharmacist coat," Perry says. "Why do I have to go all the way across town just to deal with his shitty sewing?"

"This is how all his schemes start out," Monogram says.

Perry crosses his arms.

"Carl, tell him," Monogram says, and Perry is half convinced he does it specifically because he knows Carl is Perry's one work-related weakness. The guy's not getting paid a single cent, and he has to work side-by-side with freaking Francis every day. Perry doesn't know how he does it -- or, more importantly, why he does it -- but he makes a point of never getting mad at the kid.

"As you know," Carl explains, "Dr. Doofenshmirtz is a very strange person, and, obviously, that means his schemes are strange, too. If we waited for concrete evidence that he was up to something evil, he'd probably be the ruler of the tri-state area by now."

Perry rolls his eyes. "Alright, I'll bite. What am I doing to him?" He's dealt with a lot of different criminals, and he'd like to know if he's supposed to kill, maim, or arrest this dude.

"Just stopping him from doing whatever he's trying to do," Monogram says.

Perry gapes at him. "Seriously? I'm not even taking him in?"

"Legally, no, we can't have him arrested yet," Monogram says. "At most, the laws he's broken would result in a small fine."

Perry groans. "Fine, whatever. And when I'm done thwarting him, I can go home?"

"Yes."

"And if he's not doing anything, I can go home?"

Monogram sighs. "I guess so."

"Cool." Perry hops in his hover car, and, as he's leaving, he calls back to Monogram and Carl, "Peace out, bitches!"

Now to go thwart a dumbass pharmacist.