The Looked After Child

little white pills

I remember wanting the pain to stop. I also remember hoping that by if I stared long enough at the pills I held in my hand that I would have the courage to take them rather than stare blankly at the empty packet and back at the 8 dots in my palm. I was depressed, not really but I was in pain and fed up . I wasn't seen, just an invisible being until they wanted to get me to nould and squish to fit in the tight and straining box. What had my health been like? How is school? Achievements? Goals? Anyone who you would like to invite to this meeting next time or who you think we should send the reports to? Fuck off Karen you already knew you weren't sending it to anyone. Overly bright and chipper although I never really picked up on that. The Fakeness of it all. I was niave. i thought if I act firm enough they might take me seriously. Sometimes they did slowly sprawling and frowning at their lined notebook othertimes tilting there head and nodding sympathetically at me
' I dont think that's best you know we have a lot of things to get through but its definitely something to think about for next time' stupid pull up tables and those ugly glary blue chairs which unnecessarily thud and scrape along the itchy office carpet. The nodd if hellos and fake small talk just to find out about gossip or to fill in the blank time gap of 3.30 and 4 pm. Shall we start then. Pass the paper round introduce yourself.
The light keeps flickering. My phone is going off vibrating the side of my bra from notifications and my carer is side eyeing me with a look that says ' I dont want to be here pay attention dont waste my time'. I couldn't meet Matthew because of the stupid meeting I already miss him. I'd rather be snuggled into his side than be under the microscope of filing cabinets and social workers. ' would you agree with that?' Im pulled back to the table but someone is flicking a blue biro someone else is shuffling in there seat and my sister is sighing and staring blankly at the ceiling.
' yeah sounds fine' small smile, widen slightly but no too much because you dont want to come off sarcastic then they won't take you seriously when you have an issue. They got my mums date of birth wrong again and spelled my name wrong. I underlined every mistake. I'm not happy, healthy or mature. I live on morleys or stuff my my food so quickly down my mouth i have to bash my chest and gulp water to dislodge it . The quicker to get out of the sight of my foster carers as quick as possible. I dont feel emotions like happy not really I go through the expected motions smile, laugh, chat and chit, ask questions nod with enthusiasm. This fucking meeting is boring is hell.
' spends most of her time in her room, we hardly see her just for dinner she out most night with her boyfriend and she doesn't see any of her other friends' dickhead . I dont have any friends. The ones I do don't care enough to bother with the checks and security to bother having me round. Too much hassle. I dont want to go to a muddy yard and shovel shit nor do I want to sit in a park and get high as a kite. Besides the warmth of a steady beating heart tight arms and drifting off to someone stroking your hair is one of the best feeling in the world. Safe. Loved. Home. There's that question again.
' would you agree elisha?
'yeah'
They're frowning and scribbling away again. Not that it makes much difference the notes will say ' happy high achieving sociable young lady'. One of the panels from the cieling is crooked. I wonder if i stood on the table and straightened it id get into trouble. Not worth it. Mums come in her warrior paint. Lips all satin and eyes hard daring anyone to a war with her. Anything to be seen as mature stable and collected when we all know in three of four weeks ill have to mute and block phone calls from screaming abuse. Its funny really. War face, light hearted chuckles , nods and praises. Tick. Tick. Tick. Wonder if ill find a new song on Spotify tonight ?
' sexually active' are you being safe?. No Karen, I'm fat, hormonal and eating chocolate and pizza for the sake of it. Its not like my monthly trips go the clinic and ' just do a std check just in case' don't remind me to enough. We were both virgins. We have only gone out with each other. We have been together 3 years.
' yeah were safe' smile reassuringly and nod.
Good girl so mature a good head on her shoulders that one. My sister has her trampolining gcse soon her teacher sets her too much homework and she stays in her bedroom too much. Our carer never sees us unless its for dinner . Not sociable. Bla bla bla.
' im on track I really am going to do it this time you know I'm feeling really positive and looking to the future. Hopefully working towards overnight stays or something'. Mum really believes what she is saying I know all the phrases she uses now. Never changes though. Actions speak louder than words . Mum and her disease. Poor mum.