The Impact

Open your eyes, Magic; I'm gone

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Chapter 1: Open your eyes, Magic; I'm gone

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'Can I get a time machine and bring you back? Or does the mythical exchange of life exist?' –Lily Smith

I'm Lily Smith and I'm perfect, well I used to be; if that counts. Pieces of human feelings break away and soon it's too hard to pick up the million shattered pieces from the ground.

One person; that's all I'm talking about, the one that was not famous or popular but left the world I know shattered, broken, useless and of course meaningless. It's the type of thing that leaves you helpless, when you don't even know how your world went from being something to nothing. You don't know the person I'm talking about, and you obviously never will. But Sam Will meant the world to me. She rarely smiled but I made her laugh; she usually cried but I wiped the tears. Little did I know it wasn't enough. I still blame myself for losing her to suicide. I wish I could have done more; every day since the news was broken to me, all I've done is wish I should have done more. But I couldn't have; or could I? I forget the difference between could and should all the same.

I would never know, Sam would but she always dodged the subject with the laugh I knew was fake; I should have done more. I was mad at her, hated her right now. She left me alone, all alone. We promised to be friends forever; instead she left me to go to a place I couldn't reach by my choice of time. Sitting on my bed I cry as sobs wreck my body. Didn't she think? What would happen if she left like that? It was like the consequences weren't a part of her last thoughts as she might have dragged the blade across her skin. It was somehow still a mystery how I had ended up here, how she had ended up here, how we had ended up here. The little things that had once been so normal were far from my reach. I let a tear escape my eye as I think, I would never hold her hand again, never share a joke with her. She wouldn't be there to listen to my rants and she wouldn't be there to put me in place when I make stupid plans. She just wouldn't be there, she's gone and somehow the realization has been coming to me over and over again but it still has the power to shock me to my core. I thought we were making history, I thought we were going to be the best of friends anybody has ever had but we're not making anything now, are we?

The clock showed 5:00. It was time I left for my daily walk but I wouldn't go. Not without her. I wouldn't do anything. I had already been explained the 'Sam wouldn't want you to do this' scenario but did Sam listen to me? No, she went on stressing herself out and didn't care what I said. Sam didn't find my advice valuable, my defenses strong enough. Why should I listen to her like I always have? Did she consider me capable of poking into her life and making decisions for her? Did she not think I was strong enough to pull her out of the sea of desolation she was willingly throwing herself into? What did she consider me anyway? I would never know, because somehow, after going through so much with her; I still wasn't good enough. That is all I could think about, I wasn't good enough. I let my own best friend down, I let her die. The words were hard to swallow, I had never thought in my biggest nightmares that I would be using the words 'Sam and death' in one statement. I bury my face in the pillow and let it soak my unstopping tears.

Nothing feels okay anymore; I will never feel at home again, everywhere is my biggest nightmare.

"You just had to go!" I cry my voice barely audible against the pillow.

A week after her death and I still haven't recovered. After countless tries of cheering me up everybody had given up, I was unfixable, a hopeless case and the irony was in the fact that my best friend, my closest being, the sister I never had, had done this to me. And all I knew was the fact that I hadn't been enough. The words that everyone was saying as a consolation were like knives in my heart. They weren't helping and if anything, they only worsened the pain. I wasn't okay, not anymore and I wasn't sure if I ever would be.

"It's my life" "I'm Okay" she used to say

"I miss you and I'm sorry" "I wasn't enough" I keep on repeating now and forever.

I'll be the person Sam was trying so hard to be. I'll shut out the world, I'll cry day and night and I won't care about myself. I loved her and I always will. That's the same, only difference is I'm crazy now and that is what people see me as; a crazy person that can't handle the most important part of her life being taken away and won't ever recover. Sam made suicide her story but she has no idea she what she turned mine into