The Impact

Add makeup and minus the heart

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Chapter 4: Add makeup and minus the heart

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'The only thing wrong with love, believe and faith, is not having it'- One Tree Hill

When I wake up the next day my routine to get ready for school is unusually different, instead of tying my hair neatly in a pony tail I let it down and instead of just washing my face I cake it with makeup. I apply eye liner to my eyes and a dark shade of pink lipstick to my lips. I glance at my reflection in the mirror and the girl who stares back at me is not me. In fact she's someone I don't even know. Her eyes are dark with mascara and eyeliner; her face covered with powder and her lips a dark shade of pink. What is even more different is the top. Pink and polka dotted in white, the tops clings to her skin and ends right at her lower waist. Not too long but not very short either. I take a deep breath and cautiously run my hand over my low cut jeans. Satisfied with my sudden transformation I pick up my bag and leave for school.

~*~

"I don't know poor Sam was pretty messed up, everyone could see it" this is the first statement I hear when I walk into school. The speaker is a red- head with her back turned to me. "Poor lily seems very sad and she's such a nice girl" she goes on ignoring her friend's pokes and stares.

"What?!" she yells irritated when her partner doesn't stop. When her friend doesn't reply and looks over her shoulder she turns around.

"Oh, hi" she says when she sees me standing behind her, which judging from her facial expressions is not a pleasant surprise

"Could you mind you business, you load of crap?" I snap at her and she steps back. Sending a curious glance at my outfit she shakes her head and turns around.

"Idiots" I mutter under my breath, slapping my fist on my locker. "Little piece of-" my voice breaks off as I try to control the tears threatening to rise. I sigh deeply and take my books out and make my way to my first class. Fortunately none of the teachers try to mess with me the entire day and the entire school time is pretty uneventful. Only when I'm leaving for home I see someone that makes my blood boil in my veins, I feel like screaming murderer and strangle her to death.

Sam's mom is making her way down the corridor. She catches my gaze and looks at me stunned. Where my eyes show only rage, hers are filled with shock. Her eyes roam my body as she tries to take in the new look I have put on. 'You did this to me' I feel like screaming at her. With my gaze stern and my chin up I confidently walk over to her. My eyes fall on the paper in her hand. The title reads 'Enrollment Form' printed in block letters. I frown at it, trying to make sense of it.

"What is that for?" I ask her, my face expressionless.

"For my other daughter" she answers back as if it's the easiest thing to say.

I start thinking of the easiest ways to kill her and I don't know when I think of it but I'm sure I do because if I hadn't my hand wouldn't have slapped her face with all the strength my body has. She gasps and I expect myself to do the same and step back but whatever has taken over my body makes me smile devilishly as I hiss the word 'murderer' at her. A teacher that had seen the entire scene starts walking over to us but I just motion her to stay away. "Detention, I know I'm leaving" I call out as I turn around and make my way to the detention room, feeling satisfied and leaving the two people behind me standing frozen on the ground.

When I reach the detention room I throw my bag on the desk and sit down. There is no teacher here which is good for me. I text my mom telling her that I'll be late and stare around the class. I've seen this many times but not in detention. No, I never got detention. But I can't help but not feel sad about it. My eyes roam the entire room and settle on a guitar on the other side of the class. I really wanted to sing, take it out. Am I hiding my own emotions? Am I lying to myself or this is who I am supposed to be? I clumsily walk to the guitar and take it back to my seat.

My fingers brush over the strings causing a sound loud enough to fill the empty room. I play another tune and before I even realize it I'm singing to it.

"How much do I need to be?" my voice starts of low

"To show you I'm enough,

Can I ever forgive myself for what I've never done?" I pause there but keep the guitar playing

"Do you know how hard it is, to wake up every day and know you're not here" I look at the sky outside the window and close my eyes, imagining Sam listening to me.

"Why me? everybody I love decides to throw me out of their lives" my voice gets a little louder but at the moment I don't care if somebody hears me

"Do you know how I feel at my loss, do you know you did this to me? How do I explain all I've lost, and I'm so blinded I can't even see. What do you expect me to believe? How did it feel, crushing the one person that cares about you, is this what I get for my love for you?" the tune gets faster and so does the speed of my fingers playing over the strings of the guitar

"Mind you, I still love you and you still don't care, you made me cry then and I'm still in despair. I wake up to sadness every day, and you said I'd be okay. I wish I there was something I could do, but right now I just wish that I didn't love you" I stop and place the guitar back and let the tears flow. I think of the time when the news was first broken to me

Flashback

"Lily, there's something we need to tell you" my mom walked in my room with my dad right behind her. They looked worried; and terrified as if they were going to tell me that something bad had happened

"What is it?" I ask closing the book I was reading.

"It's Sam" my mom says and then pauses

"She died" my dad completes for her.

In those two words my worlds come crashing down. I stare at them wide eyed and frozen in shock and horror. The room starts spinning around me and I feel mixed up.

"But she was not even sick" I manage to mutter in my state of deep shock

"Suicide" my dad's one word manages to let everything make sense.

"Leave" I mumble but they don't budge

"I said leave" both my parents make their way out of the room, closing the gate behind them. I get up from the bed but my legs fail me and I fall to the floor. I feel like the ground is crumbling under my feet. I don't know when but then the tears start and they don't seem to end. They keep coming and coming until the ocean dries. I try and walk to the drawer and pull out a picture of me and Sam. I stare close at her eyes and smile. How did I miss it? I fall down to the floor again and the bed frame supports me but I feel like the weight of my grief will be too much for it to shore up

End of flashback

I measure the differences between that day and this. Sam is missing, nothing's changed. Nothing except for me.