Guard and Scythe

Who I Am

Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy New Year :)

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I've been stalling for too long now. There were two paths I could make. One decision that would change everything. They've been staring me in the face for quite a while now, and it is time that I chose. I could decide to sit by; fake my ignorance to Satan's plans, and follow him blindly towards his dream of conquering the realm of the living. I could take that easy path and know that in the end I would still come out on the winning side.

But how would I feel about myself? What emotions would I be plagued with for the rest of eternity? Grief? Remorse? Would I feel distgusting and even more like a monster than I already do? But what if the monster side of me grew dominant and suddenly I stopped caring about all the human lives wasted? What would I become if I lost control of that inner demon inside me again, and ended up playing an even larger role in the human's destruction then I could think of? Would I forget myself entirely?

Do I want to forget who I am? Do I want to forget who the human Trisnae was?

The idea of choosing the easy path was alluring for all the wrong reasons. Could I live, or I should say exist knowing that I could have done something to prevent the chaos?

This is where the issue of my second option comes up; I could choose to fight. I could choose to work against my master, the demon I swore eternal loyalty to, the creature who binds me to him in a contract so strong I have groveled at his feet and devoted my entire being to his will...even if on the inside I was distgusted with both of our existances.

If I chose to rebel I could be caught. I would be tortured beyond the limits of any imaginable suffering. Satan would not be merciful. If I somehow managed to succeed though, I would win so much more than what I could loose.

Who am I anymore? I've been trying to figure this out for too long; always asking the questions, but never really trying to find the answers. The only reason I can say why, is that I'm afraid of who I might be.

I try to think about the human Trisnae and try to think about what she would have chosen. Would she have sat back, or would she have tried to prevent this catastrophe from begining?

What would Mommy say if she could see me right now? What choice would she want me to make? Oh, I want to see her so badly! It's been so long now that I've almost forgotten her face. I keep holding onto the murky memories of her, but both the youth of childhood and the blindness of the human's eyes makes her always look so murky, so hazy, like in a dream.

If Mommy could see me now, she would be ashamed of me. She'd be disgusted with whom I've become. She wouldn't hold me or smile into my dead tangle of hair and tickle my ear with her laughs. I'm a monster. Mommy is too good for a monster like me.

This is how I made up my mind. This is the reason I have chosen which path I am taking. It's all because of you Mommy.

I was going to stop Satan. This monster needed to be finished off for good.

* * * *

"Rosie! Rosie! Where are you?" I call out, standing in the middle of the graveyard where I had last seen the angel. She's the person I trust most to help me right now.

"Rosie! Roooosie!" I call out desperatly. I'm getting so frustrated with all of this now. She can just appear out of nowhere whenever she likes, but when I actually need to talk to her-

"What are you doing here demon child?" the angel's voice calls from somewhere behind me. "Have you finally made your decision? It has been a while since we last talked."