All That You Will

Thirty

Month of February, year 2013.
Taguig City, Philippines. 

"MORPHEUS, WHERE ARE you going?" I ask as he swiftly wears a plain blue cotton long sleeve. He's now on the complete get-up. He didn't even bother to answer my question, or at least look back at me. I just looked at him with awe—a mixture of fear, wonder, and respect.

       It isn't supposed to be like this. I'm hurt to see him changing. For months I completely notice it and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he's already losing his grip on our love.

       I still remember the day where I was so disappointed in myself. It was dreadful and I still feel the excruciating pain it caused. It will linger on me forever. It was my negligence.

       He was there with me. He taught me to be reconciled to myself again—that I shouldn't hate and blame myself. He was my strength. So what happened? Was he just pretending? I know he wasn't. I felt his sincerity. He's sincere all the time. That's Morpheus. So what could be the reason?

       "I'll just run some errands," he shortly answers.

       I slowly nod while observing him.

       Walking in my direction he kisses my left cheek and says, "Be back at eight." He then quickly walk away from me. He just looked at me within a split second.

       It's already six o'clock in the evening. It's not his working time and it's our Friday special night. We're supposed to be home early every special night. We missed it so many times now and he seems really forgotten the thing we always do.

       I waited until he left the garage.

       I did what a woman was supposed to do when they found out that their partner is acting strange. I followed him.

       As they say, never underestimate a woman's instinct.

       My instinct was right.

       He was having a great time as I look at them earlier from afar. They looked great.

       That's something he had been wanting. He found it with someone else and it wasn't me.

       I'm naturally afraid of change. I hate changes so much. For so long, I've been staying on that belief of mine. For so long, I stayed the same. The same Siena. And it sucks to realize now that everyone around me is changing and I'm just here observing. Am I moving in life? Am I growing?

       "Elena, can you pick me up here at my house right now?" I request as small sobs escape my mouth.

       I don't think I can drive anymore. Not in this state. I won't risk it again. My drive on the way here earlier was as dangerous as the fact that my heart's on the verge of falling out of love for him.

       My hands are trembling while I hold my phone. The trembling just doesn't stop and no matter how hard I try to resist it, I just can't.

       I first set the phone aside, focused on my scattered clothes and things on the floor, and quickly put them inside my bag. I didn't bother to include some of my clothes because he would come back in no time, surely refraining me from doing what I want.

       I want to get away from him. I don't want to have our repeated encounters here inside our house anymore. It's excruciating to witness and experience our situation. I don't know him anymore. He's not the Morpheus I used to know.

       Destiny didn't even give me time to prepare on this one. No warning and it hurts to admit deep inside me that I don't wanna be owned by him anymore. It seems just like recently when I wished that I can make him mine and he can make me for himself.