Lock and Key

Chapter 8

 We talked for a while A long while. About little things and big things. Small things and large things. Deep things and shallow things. After he told me about himself and the changes he has gone through to get to where he is right now, I didn't want to tell him about what makes me, me. Right now, it's about him and I think he needs that. I can't make this about me. Not right now. Not in this sacred place. Not to him. He deserves to be happy after that. I can't burden him with my problems. Not ever. It's best if I keep my life to myself.

I'm starting to think that the entire conversation with Ryder's mother was just a dream, an extra-long dream connecting to the one I had of him, Luke. Even now, I am afraid to say his name in fear that he'll show up and take me back to that torture of a building. But she, everything I dreamt of felt so real, like I was there for real and no time had passed in those weeks of running. I don't know what is real and what isn't. How am I supposed to know if ay of this is real or not? How am I supposed to trust anyone ever again? I don't think I'll be able to.

Everything is so messed up and I have no idea how to deal with any of it. The only thing I can do is distract myself with Ryder and his stories from school. That's my only contact with the outside world. My only source of entertainment. No way am I going to ask them to use anything of theirs. I don't want to disturb them and their busy schedules. And Harper and whatever her name isn't exactly on my list of favorite people right now. I also haven't seen Rodger since our little conversation in Ryder's room. And I have no idea how long ago that was. It could have been yesterday, it also could have been a week ago. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.

We have been sitting in his room for a good three hours, just, sitting, and being silent. Thinking about what he just said. That he just exposed himself to me. That he let me now parts of him some will never know. Parts of himself that even his parents will never know. But why? Why tell me anything about himself if he is so guarded if he is so persistent to keep everything closed off from everyone else. Why does it have to be me that he tells his secrets to?

But in a weird sort of way, I get why. I get him. And I think he knows that too. That we have a connection he has never had before. And he wants to take advantage of it before it leaves forever. And it might just happen. But, I still have no idea. I want to leave, I really do. But I also want to stay. Ryder has this hold on me for his own selfish reasons and I don't seem to care. I truly want to stay with him. But it is not fair to him. It is not fair to me. Yet why do I do it? Why do I make it harder on myself to leave someone who I have just met? Yet, I know everything about him now.

The time we have spent together has really made a difference. I feel like I have known Ryder his entire lifetime in the weeks that have gone by. I feel like I can almost trust him.

NO! No, Andrea. You cannot trust him, ever!

This voice, inside my head, it feels like it's not even me. Not even my own voice. As if someone is telling me these things directly. As if warning me to stop...

As if telling me things I would otherwise never know. As if, someone was watching over me. But I know this is all in my head. All something that I created to excuse myself for the things that I am thinking. It's only an excuse.

It's only an excuse.

I look up at Ryder, he isn't looking at me, but at something else that I can't pinpoint. He senses me watching and he looks over at me, looking into my eyes as I was doing to his. He was about to say something but closed his mouth instead. Then opened it again.

"I told you about me," He started, "but you never told me about your story. You promised that if I told you about my past, my history, you would tell me yours. Yet, it's been hours later and you haven't said a single word. I shared with you my most painful memory and you don't even acknowledge it. You just get up from the couch and leave. Only for me to find you in my room, in the exact same position as you are in constantly, in your little corner, huddled to your knees, staring into space, thinking about who knows what, ignoring everyone around you who is trying to help you get through whatever you are going through. You are being selfish right now. You are taking advantage of me and my hospitality and for what? To get healthy enough to run off again!? And what are you running from!? I don't know anything about you, I have asked constantly, begged even, to get you to tell me literally anything at all about your past and what happened to you. Just even the smallest little detail. But you didn't say anything, not a word. And you know what, I am angry, angry that you refuse to share anything with me while I pour my past and feelings out on the floor. You just step on them and walk out the door," He's breathing heavily now.