The Boy from the Band

Baggage

"Have to take me on my terms." Oh god, did I really say that? Here is a perfectly nice guy, a single guy, he's attractive, good enough in bed to make me happy and what's more, I think I like him. I don't want to chase him away but it looks like I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

He's giving me a look of pity and I hate it. Why should he feel sorry for me when I don't feel sorry for myself? The last person who gave me that look was Robbie--just before he took off my clothes and made love to me when he realized I was moving to New York to be with Rick.

"What has this guy done to you?" Bill gives me the look again and I want to scream at him and tell him to stop. I don't like that look or what it implies.

"He fell in love with me, that's what he did," I say somewhat defensively, "We fell in love and we've been together for nine years. Yes, he's married, but that doesn't change the way we feel about each other."

"He's used you for nine years and you're defending him? Are you listening to yourself?"

"He loves me," I say again, "And he makes me happy."

"So, you like being his thing on the side? Did you ever wonder why he married her and not you?"

Hearing him say that hurts, he's going too far. "I don't want to marry him, I don't want to be the one who deals with his baggage, I'm not the one who has to deal with his heroin problem or his drinking problem. She can deal with that shit if she chooses, I don't want to. What we have suits me fine."

I don't tell him that if it was me that he was living with me he'd have to choose between me or the drugs. It sounds like Elizabeth has gone there with him which I would never do.

"So, you're with a man who has a drug and alcohol problem. Dacy, you're smarter than this. You're beautiful, sweet, kind, and you're so smart it's scary. Why are you so stupid when it comes to this man?"

It's a fair question but I don't have the answer. Robbie, Eric, and even Bob have all told me that same thing. Shall I tell Bill that when Rick touches me it makes me weak in the knees? That he's tender, protective, funny, even supportive? That I didn't know what an orgasm was until he made love to me the first time? That he's still the only one who can do it?"

Bill is waiting for me to answer, but I truly have nothing to say. I think he has guessed that I'm lonely despite having my lover.

"He suits me, we suit each other. There's always been something between us since the first time I met him. I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't mean to fall in love, but I have few regrets." I almost slip and say I have no regrets, which would not be truthful.

These separations have been killing me, I never know when I'm going to see him these days. I understand, things have been hard for him since the Band broke up and his album was a flop. He gigs with people, which he likes doing, but he's got a mortgage and three kids he wants to send to college someday.

"Since I met Rick there have only been four other men, including you, but you're the first one who says he wants something from me. I guess if you want me, you'll have to accept my baggage, and that includes Rick, for now."

"What if I were to tell you I don't want to share you? That I dated all those girls because I was afraid you wouldn't want me? Dacy, I'm offering you something better than what you have, a man who will love you and only you."

"But you don't know me, and I don't know you. Until I met Rick, I seemed to hook up with men who fooled me, who pretended to be someone that they weren't. I've been slapped around, I've been lied to, and I don't want to go through that again. Yes, Rick is married, but he treats me well, better than anyone I've ever been with. How can I trust you when I don't even know you? You dated the prettiest girls in the classes we shared, what do you want with me?"