Candour

Dickless piece of shit

So maybe racing my boss to work was a little over the top.

Maybe the warm welcome I gave her was a little too much.

But neither of these justify the amount of bullshit she was giving me. Take her usual narcissistic, hateful, annoying self and multiply it by ten. It's like whatever shit she would have given me for being late, somehow made her complain about every atom that wasn't going her way. The noise from the party around the corner plus the humiliation of coming to work after me has officially made her lose her mind; and i'm five seconds away from calling the nearest psychiatric facility. I'd even pay the fees to keep her in a fucking padded cell.

To make all fucking matters worse, Marrusio decided to skip work, leaving Judith working at the register behind me. I could almost feel her evil eye penetrating the back of my head. So for the 100th time in forever, Judith's day is going to be absolute shit.

Which means mine will be even shittier.

fuck...

"Bob" someone calls.

"Yo Bob" I snap out of my daydream and find a pointy nose and two blue eyes staring at me.

Its Morgan.

"The fuck do you want Morgan" I reply.

"Woah chill, I'm just helping your ears bro." Morgan says with his light ass voice. "Judith keeps calling you in case you didn't know".

He points to Judith standing at the counter behind me, looking like a flat tomato. I walk to her with the least bit of excitement as her eyes follow me the entire time.

"Are you deaf or just stupid" she asks. "Are you so far deep up your own ass that you can't recognize your own name?"

"No, I was-"

"You were what? Were you masturbating at work Bobby?" She asks, cutting me off.

"What? No I wasn-"

"You're lucky we just opened or I'd be on your ass for ignoring customers". She was really ticking me off.

"I got a little distracted, Im-"

'A little distracted... You think I come here every fucking morning so you can be a little distracted? Day after day being with all of you who try to make my life a living hell, and all I get for my patience is "little distracted workers" You all with your dirty hair and ghetto clothes should be LUCKY to get hired by me. I'm-'

At this point I don't give a fuck what she's going to say next. I'm already pissed off from five minutes of smelling the tuna casserole she had last night.

I'm almost convinced she has never taken a shit. It's like all the food she eats rots inside her and evaporates through her mouth. I guess you tend to breathe a lot of shit when your head is so far up your own ass. And bad breath is already a fucking nightmare without spit flying all over your face.

The few customers checking out were staring at me like I was the fucking monster here. Old people piss me off...

"-and any mother would be disgusted to have you." she ends with a final gasp of air like she'd just run a fucking marathon.

"You got a little spit on your chin... and a fuck ton on mine..." I say with absolute care.

She's covered her head with a tomato again...

"I'm sure you'd love to scream at me later but if you don't want to scare the customers away, you should probably just-"

"Shut the fuck up and run that register bitch" Says someone behind me.

"Yes that, thank you. Wait what?" I turn around and see the darkest guy to ever exist on planet earth. I'm black and even I'd have to get a pass from him. "Who in the fuck are you?"

"Are you deaf or just stupid" He asks me, shoving a gun in Judith's face. "Put all the money in this bag or I'll shoot the lady".

Oh he's wearing a ski mask...

Oh he's robbing E-mort...

"You two are soulmates" I say pointing at them both.I wouldn't mind this guy shooting Judith except for the fact that it'd be a shit way to die.

I open the register and see 150 dollars and five cents. I praise the moron for deciding to rob the store when it's just opened and nearly empty, but getting 150 from a grocery store is pretty fucking pathetic.

"Hurry the fuck up Dimitri" another guy with a mask yells. Looks like he went for one of the other registers.

"I don't have all day you dickless piece of shit" Dimitri says, his gun hand shaking.

"You won't need a bag anyway," I say handing him the money.

I think I'm annoyed...

"Here's your change, thank you for shopping at E-mort."

My sarcasm is impeccable.

"Wait. I want the necklace too" He's talking about the ruby encrusted necklace that Judith keeps glued to her neck every minute of her life. No, seriously I've never seen her without it in the 3 years me knowing her.

"No, not my necklace. Please it was a gift from my husband" Judith says with tears pooling in her eyes.

"I don't give a-"

"He doesn't give a shit Boss, and you have a gun to your head. Just give him the fucking necklace. You can even buy a new one with your insurance money."

Judith hands her highly suffocated necklace to Dimitri as she sobs uncontrollably. I was wrong... I guess her day could be much shittier then mine. I don't know if I feel bad or just hungry. Or maybe I'm pissed... maybe I'm all three...

Under normal circumstances I'd be perfectly fine with the entire situation. Maybe I might've smiled when Dimitri snatched Judith's necklace and ran out the door with his buddy.

Maybe I would've laughed when he stumbled into the wall of cardboard boxes on his way out.

Maybe I would've let them go...

But when anyone has the balls to call me names while hiding behind a fucking mask like some 12 year old virgin, it makes me feel pretty insignificant. And thats why I stole Judith's keys during her mental breakdown and decided to follow my new friends home in my new pink Prius. I might be a real piece of shit...

But I'm not fucking dickless...