Candour

Tuna fish

There were two cats.

Next to me at the bus stop.

Two ugly ones...

With patches of skin sticking out in a hundred different directions. Stray animals are fucking beautiful, I'd never be prejudice towards any kind of shitty appearance. But these sorry, salty looking fucks were looking at me like I was the motherfucker who clawed their shit off. And it might seem a bit violent of me to say this, but the urge to snap their poor little necks was unbearable.

"Fuck off you little pussy." I say to the ugly yellow one.  Technically it'd be grammatically incorrect to call it a bitch, so I improvised.

"You shouldn't talk to animals like that." I hear a voice to my left say.

It's a girl...

She looks a few years younger than me; maybe fifteen or sixteen. You know one of those ads from the shitty scam websites that say: "click here to see most attractive teens"? This motherfucker would make number one on that list. She's got the kind of face you wouldn't be able to forget for a whole ass week. Nah that shit would be in your dreams for several fucking days before the features escaped your mind. But anyways...

"That is no fucking animal" I respond. "That shit is a reincarnated contaminated fucking rat."

"Rats are animals too dickhead."

"Look girl, animals are magnificent. You feel a kind of satisfaction when you see them. Then there's a fucking rat, just alive to fuck up your life and steal your shit. I will be damned before I ever consider those stinky little shits as part of the animal kingdom. Or anything else that looks like them."

"It's the tuna" She says.

"The what?"

"The tuna in your bags" She says pointing to my groceries. "They're hungry, that's why they're staring at you."

"That really ain't my problem tho, it's just ticking me off right now. Just keep texting your girlfriends and leave me alone dumbass."

"Okay" she replies weakly.

I'm definitely not the best when it comes to showing emotion, but I pay close attention to the hearts of other people.

Sometimes...

And it's that response blanketed by a thin layer of hurt that catches my attention in this moment. I stare into her eyes and find two tears resting in the bed of her eyelids. Waiting for a gentle push...

I look at the phone in her hand. A dozen delivered texts to a guy who doesn't give a shit. She thinks he likes her, but he's too busy fucking some other girl while his phone sleeps silently on a nightstand. No, it's not my dickheadedness towards these stray cats that hurts her. She couldn't really give a shit. It's her confusion and already breaking heart that makes her emotional, and my insensitivity was the gentle push that her tears needed to awaken.

"Shit my bad, you okay kid?" I say remorsefully.

"Not that you'd give a shit" She says.

"I think I do now" I reply. And I mean it... "Im sorry, I tend to be a dickhead most of the time."

"All you men are" She replies.

"So it's a guy problem then?"

"Bingo!" She exclaims halfheartedly. "I guess you really fucking know your kind."

In a war there lies two sides: Defense and Offense. This girl here was playing defense. My attacking her with salty replies makes her generate her own shield. She uses her rather untasty responses as a defense to my previous dickheadedness. I smile...

"He's not worth the tears you know" I say to her. "Nah, this guy is worth every drop of shit that's fallen from my ass this year."

She chuckles lightly.

"Ignoring a beautiful ass girl like you, this fucker must be the craziest bitch on earth. And when one tear falls from your face, you prove that he has value. This retarded little shit isn't worth a single piece of you."

"I know" she says emotionally.

"Then why do you love him?" I ask.

"He's just made me feel good in ways that no other guy has ever come close to doing."

Of course...

"That's what they do kid. They show you how heaven feels and give you hell because they know they've got you."

"I know, but..."

"But he doesn't give a shit. At the end of the day you are just BACK to him"

"Back?" She asks me.

"B-A-C-K, the acronym, not the word. You're just a pack of Boobs, Ass, Cunt, and Knees. And once this guy finds another girl with a bigger package and can suck dick better, he's gonna leave your ass until he needs you again."

"But the way he makes me feel..."

"Trust me, if it's love you're looking for, it's out there looking for you. Please don't let this guy's perks justify the way he leaves you fucked up".

"I-"

The bus arrives and I get on before I hear her response. I don't want to her to say she'll stop talking to him. I don't want her to lie to herself. The sad truth is that even after hearing everything I said, she will send ten more texts hoping he will reply. She will wait days, weeks, maybe even months before her heart gives out completely. Then she will leave him when it's completely shattered. She fell in love with a murderer. Not the kind that slits throats or shoots people, the kind that demolishes the heart with bullshit and lies.

Little games that make the heart go through contractions...

Starving the heart of its proper love till it dies in that black hole of depression...

As I boarded the bus, I knew I'd go back for her. I'd find that girl again and show her what true love was. I'd go to the end of the earth to prove to her how special she was.

I'd never fall in love with her...

No..

I'm not one to fall in love...
But I'd love her till love was imprinted on her heart.

This flashed through my mind as I rode the bus to her place. I looked down and saw the grocery bags in my hands. Eggs, bread, bananas, butter, carrots, and that shiny round can of tuna fish.

Skai Grace.

The girl I met through tuna fish.

The girl I promised to love, and the one I've come to hate.

Have I become my enemy?

No... I care about her.

It's not her I hate, it's her existence. A shining lamp in this cruel dark place. Her perfection scarred by all the bullshit that threatens to destroy her world.

Skai...

My lamp...

I love you.

But I will never stop fucking hating you.