Candour

Pink Prius

Skai...
She's cuddly. She's funny. She's hella paranoid sometimes. She's absolutely beautiful. And...
I...
Fucking...
Hate...
Her...

But she means everything to me. Confusing right?

I have never loved Skai the way that I was supposed to, the way that I promised to from day one... Don't kill me, I don't know why I get myself into these situations, I just do. 

Maybe it's just me, but typing 'ily' is never a simple abbreviation for 'I love you'. The abbreviation is for lazy pieces of shits like Skai who don't want to invest an extra two seconds of their time into fully typing the three words. And love has no shortcuts and laziness... Fuck that.

I do my morning routine in a sort of buzz as If I'm not really there. Probably because I'm not... My mind is presently five hours into the future where I'm standing at the cash register of E-Mort, depressing about all of my past life mistakes. As I'm devouring my eggs and toast (because yes I'm an amazing fucking cook), I can't stop imagining my boss' stale breath creeping up my nostrils. Her spit clashing with the sweat on my face as she screams at me for being late five weeks in a row. But she couldn't fire me if she wanted to, because unfortunately I do a better job than everyone else working there. I also have a shit ton of dirt on her after hacking her Facebook page that goes back six years. Her shitty past involves an incident with ice cubes, cigars, and some woman's baby. My boss is an evil fucking bitch but I need her to feel like she has some power over me. At least for now... She'll get her punishment one of these days.

Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore...

My eggs taste like Karen.

I yawn as I leave the house looking disheveled, because honestly I'm in no rush to get to work. I'm not one of those people who hate their job. I know my job is shit, but it's my source of income and it works for me. I just hate the people who work there because... fuck them. I take the bus since it usually drops me off a block away. Plus I hate one on one interactions with old taxis and fake ass Uber drivers. The bus ride is only fifteen minutes so I decide to take a nap and make up for all the sleep I'm gonna lose at work. But the woman in front of me is staring at me...

I close my eyes thinking maybe she'll lose interest. I can feel her eyeballs penetrating my eyelids and I know she's still staring at me. 

This bitch is making me mad. 

She winks and gestures for me to follow her to the top floor of the bus. My anger fades into curiosity. The fuck...

Naturally I follow her. I can smell the perfume trail she's left behind. Strawberry? Watermelon? Strawberry watermelon? Why am I thinking about this? I get to the top and see her sitting at the end. She's wearing a black dress and red sneakers. Some of her natural black hair shows beneath her blonde wig. She either copped her outfit from the thrift store, or she left her house in a rush. Whatever...

I sit next to her.

"The fuck do you want?" I say with the most uninterested tone.

"Is your dick hard?" She asks.

Pause... 

I don't know what any of you would've thought in this situation, but when a strange pretty woman dressed like a hippie asks you about your third arm, her head game is strong as fuck. 

"I.." I stutter. "I don't..."

I never choke up in these situations but her straightforwardness caught me like a deer in headlights. 

"Its..." 

"Im fucking with you" she says and lets out a laugh that would have made every dying cat from here to China jealous. 

"The fuck do you mean you're fucking with me?" I ask angrily. "I didn't even fall for it anyway"

'You should've seen your face, "I- I don't".' She cackles, imitating me. 

She runs down stairs to the lower deck leaving me sitting alone like a lost puppy. Did i just get played by a homeless chick? Bitches are built different these days. 

I get off the bus around the corner from E-Mort. The biker gang across the street are having a party again, which means the only thing i'll be hearing all day is noise complaints from my boss mixed with the occasional insult. She really is an annoying ass person. I scan the parking lot for her pink Prius. What kinda maniac buys a pink prius?. Single moms and grandmothers with eight dogs and marriage issues. I'm getting carried away again...

I see her rolling into the parking lot. She hasn't entered the building yet...

If I beat her inside, I can't get screamed at for being late...

Suddenly i'm not me anymore. Im fucking Usain Bolt. Im Barry Allen, dashing across the street like the flash. Cars beep their horn madly but they don't understand the gravity of my mission. 

Her frog eyes catch me darting across the parking lot as she slams her car door. She tries to run to the entrance but her pudgy little feet can only carry her so fast. I see her tiny little rock heart melt when she sees my hand on the handle. I beat her...

I stand on the wall right next to the glass door of E-Mort with my arms crossed, waiting for her to enter. There she is right outside, breathing heavily and holding what looks like a big ass tomato in front of her head. But it's got eyes.. and scary crooked teeth that are gnashing at me. I look closer and see my boss' face in that ball of red pudge. 

"Hello Judith" I say with the widest grin. I start chuckling uncontrollably.

"Welcome to E-Mort"

I check my empty wrist where my invisible Rolex is supposed to be.

"I think you're late"