Kiss Off

Chapter 19

We're halfway through the week but I could swear I've aged twenty years in the last two days. Two days ago is when I realized exactly how I felt. When I was able to put a definitive word to the cringy, swirly emotions inside of me. Two days ago is when my world flip-flopped at the fact that I was completely alone.

They talk about love being the greatest feeling in the world. Let me tell you something, it's not. Not when it's not reciprocated. Not when you fall for someone who doesn't feel the same way. It's like being promised wings to fly and then being dropped off a cliff only to realize the wings are made of paper. I'm plummeting to my death and with every day that passes, I'm getting closer and closer to hitting rock bottom. Except that there is no bottom. Just a dark, endless hole.

I know I'm exaggerating. I know that the way I'm feeling is pathetic and juvenile and that I'll get over... someday, but that doesn't stop me from pitying myself. Maybe if I could see an end to this emptiness, I might be able to convince myself it's not a big deal. But right now, it feels like a big deal. Of course, this hollow, sickening feeling isn't going to kill me; it's just going to tease me and make me miserable until I'm forced to turn off my heart or let it freeze over with cold, hard indifference.

I'd love to feel indifferent. I'd love to be able to shrug off my emotions like some kind of childish crush, but I know that's not possible. This is so much more than that. My thoughts have circled around Bryson for years and growing closer to him these last few months has done nothing but make my obsession for him morph into something more. Something real. Which is why I'm having such a painful time watching him laugh with Claudia across the table from me.

Lunch used to be fun and easy. I was able to fool myself into believing that the way I felt would fade. But now that everyone knows how I feel—especially Bryson—I can't hide behind ignorance anymore. The worst part is the knowing glancing from Chloe and Cooper. I can feel their eyes analyzing me as I try my best to eat my lunch without hurling.

"You okay with yellow?"

The two love-bugs are trying to figure out how to color-coordinate for the dance. Bryson simply shrugs and says, "I think I can make it work." When his eyes meet mine across the table, I quickly turn my attention back to my food and resume shoveling CheesePuffs into my mouth like it's my last day on earth... which it might be if this sinking feeling ever does develop a floor. I can only imagine how painful it'd be to have my emotions splattered all over the surface.

If my heart breaks, will I die?

"Only a week and a half until the dance," Chloe announces, drawing all eyes to her. "Is everyone ready?"

I snort sarcastically, shaking my head in mild annoyance and drawing the attention of everyone around me.

"Have you decided not to go?" Chloe asks, true concern weaving a frown into her brow. "Please tell me you're not backing out! I already told Devon I'd go with him."

"Don't worry." I wave her worry away. "I'm going. Just don't expect me to do anything except pig out on punch and potato chips while I make fun of everyone on the dance floor. Okay?"

Chloe grins at me, shoving her pizza into her mouth and then mumbling an incoherent "okay" around the mound of food balled up in her cheek.

When the principle enters the lunch room and announces that it's time to head to class over his precious megaphone, I nearly sigh out loud in relief. One more second of trying to avoid eye contact with Bryson and I might have given myself a hernia. The effort I find myself putting into feigning nonchalance is actually physically painful. The throbbing in my temple is proof enough that I'm trying too hard to look like I'm not trying.