Kiss Off

Chapter 23

I got what I wanted. A quiet walk on a chilly night beneath the glimmering moon. Too bad it doesn't feel as serene and invigorating as I'd hoped. I feel like the cold has somehow permeated my skin and is sinking its way into my very soul.

I'm a terrible person.

What in the heck was I thinking? I just kissed the boy I don't want in front of the boy I do. This is a mess. A huge mess, and I have no flipping clue how to fix it. Except to run... again. Because I've never been in this situation before. I've never been the one at fault before. I'm usually the one left standing there alone pondering what I ever did wrong. I'm the one witnessing the walking away, footprints of blood trailing behind the boy who just stomped my heart to death.

Maybe that's how I became so heartless and cruel. When your heart has enough bruises on it, it eventually stops feeling.

Until Bryson.

Bryson made me feel. He made me feel too much and I let my guard down. I allowed myself to fall for him completely and I'm the one suffering for it. I knew I should have been more careful. I never should have allowed myself to soften. Being alone is so much easier. There's less to worry about. Less responsibility. Just me. Just my feelings.

I like being selfish. I like only having to think about myself. I enjoy not having my decisions affect other people. Tonight, I realized something very important. Decisions always affect other people. I kissed Cooper to prove something to myself but the results might only prove I've lost my mind... and two good friends.

I come upon Salt Fork River and divert off the road to make my way down the embankment. My feet are freezing and I know I can't stay out long but I just need a moment to myself. Settling down on a medium-sized rock I close my eyes for a moment to breathe the icy air into my warm lungs. Then I'm letting it free with a cloudy exhale as I watch it drift away into the night. Heaviness settles into its place.

At least I've learned my lesson. I will never use another human being for my own gain again. This hurts and I'm not even the one who got hurt. I'm the one who gave it.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I mutter to myself, kicking off my heels and crossing my legs under my dress to keep them warm.

I'd snagged Cooper's suit jacket off the back of a chair before leaving, knowing I'd need it more than he would, but now I feel bad about that too. I'd been riled up in the moment, my blood swirling enough that I felt dizzy and nauseas. I wasn't thinking about Cooper or Bryson when I'd deserted them at the dance. I was thinking about me. Seems I'm always thinking about me. It's no wonder no guy has ever wanted to date me. It has nothing to do with Cooper warning them off... it's because I'd make a lousy girlfriend. After tonight, I truly believe that it's impossible to have a good relationship with someone and be completely self-centered. No one wants to be around someone who doesn't care about them.

It's official... I'm gonna die alone.

After a few more minutes of silence, I slip my shoes back on and trudge my way up the snow-covered embankment. It takes me fifteen-minutes to get home—the one nice things about small towns—and I click-clack my way up our sidewalk. My eyes are pinned to the ground, so I don't even see Bryson sitting in the shadows on the top step until I'm almost right on him.

"Whoa," I breathe, a hand coming to my chest. I nearly stumble off the bottom step.

He's already watching me but doesn't bother moving from his seat. He's solemn, eyes calculating and dark against the night. I feel small.

"How'd you find my house?" I question, remembering the only other time he'd ever been here and it was almost two years ago.

"Followed your footprints in the snow... until I couldn't." He pauses, eyes locking with mine in a silent acknowledgment that he'd seen me sitting by the river but had the decency to keep driving and the decency to not ask about it up now. "Then I guessed the rest of the way."