Dearest, You Said

Chapter One: Cold Sweat

He watched amazed as the little girl's face changed from red to blue. Her cheeks puffed out as she held her breath with a stubborn snarl. If she expected him to give her money cause she would suffocate herself she was dumber than her mother. Don't hold your breath kid — Mason should have been clearer with his words, too late for that now.

It was too late in alot of ways. Looking around the dirty apartment building he knew this wasn't what he wanted for himself at twenty-six. Life had taken a turn for the worst but when? At which point did he go off the deep end? His thoughts were broken by the sound of the front door opening and the scent of alcohol.

Monique stubbled into the dual-purpose kitchen and living room her heel in hand. Her hands searching for something to hold onto as she tried to get further into the room. Mason narrowed his eyes hoping she'd fall, furious when she didn't, and plopped down on the floor next to him.

"Oh Mase, work was busy today." Her hand landed on his lap and he quickly pushed it away. Then as if just seeing her daughter "what the fuck is wrong with your face?"

The world blurred around him when he closed his eyes focusing on the radio that played in the kitchen. His mind drifting to a time when life felt easier. When he was living with his parents he got anything he wanted and could do whatever, those were good days. Then he remembered how his father looked at him and he realized how awful it felt to live with them. He had some good memories of after college that's when he met Monique she was drunk and crying outside his door. Apparently, she used to date some guy and he told her he lived there she wanted to confront him about some shit only to realize he wasn't there. Mason had taken her in and offered her to stay with him. He had no romantic feelings for her and they lived together as neutral friends.

Then she told him she was going to move out cause she started dating some Dj. Mason was so angry he had yelled at her to not leave, at the time for whatever reason he wanted her to stay. When she still went for the door he threw her on the ground and got on top of her. She was screaming and crying and it turned him on to hear her beg him. To hear her say she'd stay as long as he wanted if he didn't hurt her. They ended up having sex and it was the best he'd had at the time. Maybe that was it?

It didn't take long before Monique passed out. The little girl had given up her plan of squeezing a dollar out of him and resigned to coloring on the floor. Watching her now he felt a pain in his chest but quickly pushed it down. Could it be her? Was she what messed him up?

He remembered how excited he was when Monique told him she was pregnant then how nauseous he was at the thought. Life was perfect during the pregnancy, it was easier when he could confess to the tiny baby bump all the things he wanted to tell his boss. He could rest his hand on the curve of her tummy and feel at ease. Then Breanna was born on a rainy night in May. Life got harder from there. Maybe it was her.

Mason suddenly felt angry, he didn't want kids and it was Monique's fault for skipping her pill that morning. In a quick motion, he's done a thousand times he went for his daughter lifting her by the shoulders and brought her to their room. It was times like this he wished the apartment had two rooms. Dropping her on the carpet before the closet watching her crawl inside.

"Are you and MoMo gonna fight?" Breanna's eyes watered as she looked up at him from the floor.  He needed to remember she wasn't a baby anymore, then the pain was back so he closed it and his Lil mouse in the closet.

>•<

The light from the window burnt through his eyelids forcing him to wake up. He had fallen asleep on the fire escape again the cold metal digging into his shoulder. Getting to his feet he's stretched his back squinting at the sun that barely got into the alley. Monique had been out here and didn't wake him to come inside. He knew because the makeshift laundry line they had put out was now filled with the bedsheets.

She must've tried to get the blood off them, did a crappy job at it though. He grabbed the sheets of the line hoping the neighbors didn't notice the bloodstains. She'd just have to wash them again. Mason opened the window climbing into the dank apartment now in the living room he saw Breanna on the floor eating what looked like a Peanut butter sandwich. The little girl's brown face was striped with tear marks her eyes red and lifeless. He felt the same pain return to his chest he didn't like when his little girl cried.

He also hated that they couldn't afford a dining table so she was stuck eating on the dirty floor. Monique never cleaned always made excuses about how hard she worked. Burn that, she was a woman shouldn't it be fun for her? Shouldn't she want to make her man and child comfortable? Monique was no woman, she wasn't even a fucking mother.

She just worked at that stupid bar all night and flirted with guys pretending her old ass was still in college. Pretended she wasn't a mother. That she didn't have a man. He felt a strong feeling of malice rise to the back of his throat. Maybe he should calm down, it wasn't fair for him to think that. Monique tried, she only got that job because he had lost his. She was carrying the weight he was just making her and Breanna unhappy.

What about when he was working at the docks moving boxes and throwing out his back she wasn't any different then. He would still come home pick up Breanna from Cherry's and make dinner. She was always out running errands. His hands closed into fists and he gritted his teeth suddenly he felt heat blaze on the tip of his ears. He couldn't breathe and the pain in his chest was back again.

It was all because of her. She made him so angry made him want to hit her. If only she could just stop being such a shitty person they could be happy. Maybe it was her. When he met her was probably when things got out of hand. She leads him into a false sense of security made him think he loved her then tried to tie him down with a child. It made sense, at the time he was making alot of money and could take her out and buy her things she played him for a fool. A beastly sound escaped his thoughts.

"NO Daddy!!"

Breanna screamed practically jumping on the back of the sofa a mortified look plaguing her face. Her tears now pooling tiny arms held up in defense. She was protecting her chest. She looked just like her mother."Please don't hit me, daddy"

The crushing pain returned to his chest this time seemingly spreading out through his body but concentrated in a single spot. His heart hurt. He'd scared his little mouse and now she was cowering in a corner. His breathing grew short and he felt his face form a frown. "I'm not going to hurt you Bre. Wheres your mother?"

The little girl shook her head, no. She thought he was going to hit her mother and she didn't want to give her up. Mason felt the overwhelming feeling subside a few seconds as he questioned how his daughter must see him. The seconds pass quickly because Monique walked in through the door groceries in hand. He looked at her and the feeling returned.

"What the fuck are you smiling at?" He snapped taking steps towards her. "Thought you'd be too hungover to get out of bed"

"Well, there was no food in the house someone has to go to the store." She pushed by his taunt form. Placing the bags on the counter. " Sorry to disappoint you that I'm smiling. You weren't successful in breaking my face"

His anger doubled, why did she get to be happy? He balled up the sheet and tossed it at her.

"Well now you can happily clean this place up and wash the fucking sheets"

Monique only glared at him as he went for his jacket. She hated him. He had turned into an absolute asshole and did nothing but make her unhappy all the while making her look incompetent. She spat at the floor in disgusting watching his back as he walked out.