My First Time

Get Him Back

Several times I mentioned that I was afraid to be reckless, like you were. To not care. I was truly afraid. Three weeks without a text from you and I was no longer afraid.

"I want to be reckless Friday night." My text read.

And then you were back in my life. We planned everything out. Or you thought we did. My parents did not know anything except for the note I left Friday morning telling them not to look for me that night. You ignored me all day until the final bell rang. You walked me to your bus plopped, down in a seat near the back, and I sat beside you. The driver didnt seem to notice, nor care but, the students sure did. I kept my mouth shut beside saying things to a few boys I knew seated around us. I didnt know where you lived. Or how to get back to my house from there. When I got off at your stop it was too late for that. We walked to your house using shortcuts and alleys. When we got there, you put your stuff down by the door, pulled out your wallet, and we walked down the street to buy condoms from Dollar General. We barely talked but when I did I acted casual and tried to not sound like I'm scared out of my mind. You bought one package of 4 or 5 condoms and a bag of hot cheetos, at my request. We walked back to your grandmother's house, she isnt home. We walk inside, I pause to look around at all the religious figures, thinking how fornication is a sin, then follow you to your room. You turn on the tv. Spongebob is on. I take off my bookbag and shoes then lay on your bed with my head propped on my elbows. You take off your school stuff and get comfortable, I'm watching you out the corner of my eye. You lay down next to me in a mock imitiation. You say sit up, I do. You take off my cardigan kissing on my collar bone and neck.. I dont know what else to do so I stop you and strip. You're staring at me again.. at my breasts and my assests, insecurity kicks in and I cover myself up, waiting for you to undress. Gently you lay me down and kiss my lips.. my neck.. collar bone and put your hands on my breasts pawing them and licking in between. You continue further down and excite me. Your tongue travels further below my navel. Then you are there, singing in my womanhood and your voice has never been so unique, I release and you taste my juices. You dont stop your song, this cycle seemed everlasting but so full of excitement for us two. You finish your meal then, slip on a condom and tell me to get on my knees and arch my back, I do as you say. You slide inside but just the simple tip is enough to get me aroused. You shove the rest in and stroke with no remorse, I scream with pleasure so loud that I have to bite the pillow to try and silence myself. 8 Different positions, a popped cherry, and 2 broken condoms later you are asleep.. tears roll down my face, this is not love making. So full of pleasure but this is not love.. I lay my head on your chest anyway. When you arise 35 minutes later, we are back at it, until you use and break the rest of those dollar general condoms. You asked if I was okay. Did you notice my eyes red from tears? Your grandmother calls to say she is on her way home and you say its time for me to go. You ask me 3 times if I know the way and if I have a ride. Three times I lie. I dress and leave your grandmother's home. I walk around your neighborhood a bit, in seek of a drug that will take away from the wrath of my parents when I find my way home. I walk to a park, settle on a bench, silently crying to myself. It is gone. My innocence, my virginity, it's gone and right now Im thinking of how I always wanted to save myself for the one I would marry.. I just gave it away like it meant nothing. Oh but, it was everything to me just nothing to you. Watching the children play only made the tears stream faster. They form entire oceans. 10:30PM I walk to a Hess gas station closest to your home and call my stepfather's cell phone knowing my mother is  furious. They pull up to the gas station 5 minutes later. My mother enraged, throws fists and pulls out my hair.. plenty of bruises and a matted scalp but depression hurts me more. I decide to lie. I was smoking with friends. No boys. She knows I'm lying. She always finds out. That night she disowns me. Screams that I am a mistake. After discovering I made plans to get deflowered by a boy that had no love for me.. All I hear is your voice, describing the best summer ever, and how we will runaway together as soon as school lets out. I am grounded and put to work and forbidden from you for those two weeks. I check my social media anyway.  Not a single message from you. They knew and I had lost everything...