rant

the perks of being a wallflower.

i recently watched a movie.
—————————————————————————————————————

yes, the movie "the perks of being a wallflower" on netflix. i never knew i could be broken, i mean trust me i've had enough load on my back to bust a fat fucking nut over but, i guess it wasn't enough. i could give less of a shit about my grammar or writing skills because i'm practically talking to myself?

this movie strongly impacted me because of the understanding of the characters that stood out, sam and patrick.

sam, you see during the movie charlie asks mr. anderson, "why do nice people, chose the wrong people to date?" and mr. anderson responds, "well, we accept the love we think we deserve." lets rephrase it, why do nice people think that they deserve shit? in my opinion, i think that nice people deserve shit content because they barely know themselves or their "type". nice people are busy trying to impress people in order to not get scared of conflict. i mean, yes its the basic of being respectful in a kind manner but im talking about the people who would bust their ass on the toxic ones, aka me. i've always lended pencils, kept secrets, and dressed up with the same white skirt as that one girl in class so she wouldn't get "embarrassed", the list goes on. but when it came to me, i've realized, i don't know myself. i've dated the same person two times, the person who made me feel like they took their time of day for me. i was wrong and blind, they only wanted me for my body. i was too blind to see that because the lowest person who pays even one slice of attention to you, you'll instantly get attatched. i've never focused on myself so i depended on another person to do that for me. so when mr. anderson says "well, we accept the love we think we deserve." he means that what ever you know about yourself, you're going to seach a person who matches, like a puzzle. so if you are clueless of who you are, you'll never find your puzzle piece. why do the nice people always pick the wrong ones? because we don't know ourselves. i mean if you're also speaking everyone as a whole, anyone could pick the wrong person, not just nice people. summary of the paragraph is to take care of yourself, not just others.

another scene from sam was when she kissed charlie. she wanted him to feel loved for his first kiss instead of her experience. she talked about how she kept searching for a guy but never found one and got played. when you get toyed around it hurts, so she didn't want that to happen to charlie because she truly felt good around him. she sacrificed her personal life to help another person's life. thats why i admire her, i wish i would've done the exact same to each person i've known.

patrick, yes the gay firework. (hopefully thats not offensive to anyone) hes had a history of slurs and harassment between highschool. he has a secret relationship with the popular kid at the school and got him beat up for it. but thats not what were talking about, its the fact that he had to keep it a secret. yes, he was open about loving another person its just that he needed to keep it low for the other partner. he had to supress his feelings for that other person in order to keep it flowing and healthy. of course if you did this, it would cause stress so, as charlie explained, he would talk like a spark until he ran out. he would talk and lie about some bullshit that would uncover immediately after. he would feel emotions again, he wouldn't feel numb anymore. no one would want to feel pain of carrying a relationship but he had to. and it hurts me because most people always hide who they are behind a wall. a guard, a thick sheet that is almost impossible to get through unless its a certain person. its a forest full of conversations that maybe none of us are ready for. numbing emotions could be the biggest mistake ever, because you're a ticking time bomb.

what goes all together in these characters, is that none of them ever spoke up until charlie came in. i've noticed that all of them look like they never opened up. they're all clueless of one another for years, and years. its like earwax building up in you're ear until you cant get it out, so you have to go to a doctor to check it. that doctor was charlie, fresh and new to cut. not in a traumatizing way but just a person to be there for them, they were all there for eachother physically, but not mentally. if anyone is reading this, i encourage you to just, listen. listen like how charlie did, no judgement, no facetime, its an actual conversation. i feel like as a society we were made to bottle up emotions because were afraid of who we actually are. if someone is speaking, let them speak. it could be the biggest thing you could've done to help them. if they send repeated messages or rants like these, collaborate. it doesn't matter how boring it is, you always should listen, because it could be their last words to you before they're gone.

—————————————————————————————————————
in my definition, the perk of being a wallflower ~ is being aware.