rant

innocence

my mother told me this morning "where did my kind, innocent child go?"
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well, i tried asking my mom for therapy. i just hope she doesn't forget unlike all those other times. she said that if i continue to act with "attitude" she'll kick me out. i mean, if she already has that idea, why didn't she? if i'm such a burden and guarded person, why do i still exist? i'm so afraid, i don't want to become vulnerable but it looks like i have to. i used to have lasting emotions by smiling once. now whenever i smile, it only lasts for a couple of seconds. i keep telling myself i'm overdramatic and genuinely happy but it's all lies. it's fake and it disappears. i hate myself so much to the point where my parents add onto the list. why can't i meet my own parents expectations? why can't i be the child they deserve to have? why can't i act the same anymore? if my parents get so frustrated with me, why do i even try to help myself anymore? i'm so disappointed in myself for never becoming the child they deserve to have. they should've never tried to have another child after my brother got sick. hell even my own older brother would be happier, he would have the world. he would have the best life. if no one met me, everything would be fine. if i wasn't here, everything would be normal. why do i try anymore? i want therapy and help but, i'm so scared of whats going to happen. if i tell them that i tried, they will send me to the ward. if i open up too much, i may be locked inside forever. i get everything i want, i have a roof and a phone. why do i feel this way? everyone is there for me physically but no one has ever tried to connect with me mentally.
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i miss myself.