How could we say Goodbye?

Chapter 29

Each chemo treatment was worse than the last, Grant looked skinnier and more empty every day, as though the treatment was sucking all the last parts of not only his happiness but entire personality out of him. Not even he looked like he could be bothered to make the effort to stay alive anymore.

You sat on the all too familiar chair by his bed, slumped over like an overused puppet, only one frail and tearing string holding your unrecognisable self. You had abandoned the thought to ask him if he was ever feeling okay anymore, his last answer of 'death warmed up' contained no trace of sarcasm like it should have, he looked so continuously exhausted and all you could do was sit and watch, trying to offer as much comfort as you could.

Your ears strained as the door open and realised you didn't have the power to turn your head, only closing your eyes when you felt arms squeeze your shoulders from behind.

"Come on" The voice whispered into your ear "Come with me" the voice was identifiably female, and you concluded it was either Sophie or Gracie, as the figure walked around and crouched in front of you "Im not taking you away from Grant, I just want to talk to you outside" you hesitated and nodded slowly, letting her take your hands as you walked outside of the door.

You authorized your cloudy eyes to focus on the stature before you, it was Sophie, and you had never seen her appearing so anxious. "Why are you here?" You whispered, there was no anger or accusation in your voice, just pure curiosity. Sophie remained silent and pulled you into a tight hug, looking you in the eye.

"Darling..." she began, you already feared where this was going "...I cant tell you this without sounding rude, or harsh, but you're not okay; and you cant stay here for such long periods of time - as far as I know you're only going home to wash or change clothes, you barely even sleep at home; and I cant even remember the last time I saw you eat a decent sized meal, its just been bare minimum hospital food. Dont lie to me and tell me you're okay, take a look in the mirror and you'll see that you're not. I know Grant seems like your priority but, you have to take care of yourself and put your own emotions before his, even in times like this."

You took a step back, your friend seemed alienated, did she not understand? Grant was all you had anymore. You felt violated, and betrayed, feeling angry tears spring to your eyes as you shook your head, you bit your lip to stop your tears from falling. Why was everyone so concerned about you? Grant had CANCER and all that people were telling you was to take care of yourself? What is wrong with everyone... HE was the one that needed help. Not you. At this point in time, you didn't matter.

"I think you can go now" You replied, breath shaky and as firm as you could manage through your clenched jaw. Sophie opened her mouth to say something but you cut her off "Go, please" desperation filled your voice as you looked her in the eye. She nodded softly and looked down.

"Ill be back in a minute" She strolled away before you could protest as you walked back into the room absent mindedly. You thought about the situation, anger rising inside you as you saw Grant peacefully sleeping, did they not see how ill he was? How ill he looked?

Your breath hitched as he stirred and you turned away to wipe tears from your eyes, you couldn't appear weak in front of him, not now. Of all times not now. You took a deep breath and tried to smile, having no mirror to check how bad you looked.

"Babe?" Grant said wearily, you turned around and smiled softly at him, he seemed to buy it as you walked over. You didn't want to be lying to him. You felt like you were betraying him. No. You wouldn't let him worry about you.

"Hi" You said softly "I think Sophie is about to be here, if you want to say hi?" Grant shrugged and you nodded, you restrained yourself from asking him how he was feeling, and took his weak hand in your own.