3am Notes

🌀(pt.2)

god i hate him. i hate him cs he's so perfect for me. he's the perfect amount of medium ugly. tall as shit. the most perfect dick i've ever seen. he matches my freaky to the T. when we're together our energies are so perfect it's indescribable. i feel like myself when i'm around him. I can be goofy. i can show my ugly laugh. i can relax. that's never happened around a guy. usually i feel like i have to play a certain role to seem like the ideal girl. but with him i'm just myself and that seems to be ideal for him. we can argue over texts. things can be super awkward. he just wants to be friends. he doesn't want to be friends. whatever. but when we're face to face he just stares into my eyes and pulls me into him as if none of that ever happened. all i wanna do is just hug him and let him hold me but i gotta pretend i'm mad cs if not he's gonna think he got me wrapped around his finger. i mean he does, but he can't know that.

God. the way he looks me up and down. when he thinks i'm looking or not. the way he says my name. the jokey voice he makes. the way he puts his hand on my thigh when he drives. just everything. his goals. his morals. how lowkey he is. i love it. i love his vibes. i love his energy. i love the way he acts around me.

i just hate his personality. the way he can't say how he feels to me. the way he switches up in a second. the way i can never tell what he's thinking. the way i get left on delivered for hours. maybe days. the fact that he's talking to someone but i'm not sure cs he says she's just a friend but someone else says they ft every night and someone else says they don't talk anymore. i hate it. i hate that it's not just me. i hate that i can't read his mind. i hate that he's not upfront. i hate that he went from wanting to marry me to not being sure if he wants to link. i hate that he went from kissing me until we can't breathe to saying friends don't kiss. i hate it. i hate him

but when we're in the playstation party he ignores everyone else and talks just to me. about shitty macaroni. about brent faiyaz. about some random ass bullshit. then i feel my heart expand like it does when we're together in person versus how it contracts when he ignores me and says this can't happen again.

i can't deal with another nigga that's amazing in person and hates me over text. i just can't. my self esteem can't handle it. i'm working on me. i'm working on myself. i'm trying to figure out how to move in this world and how to respond differently to situations. i'm trying to be normal but it's so hard when he makes my heart have a seizure everytime he looks at me. everytime he touches me. everytime he gives me his full attention. everytime he pulls me into him.

but i have to pretend i'm normal. i haven't figured out how to be normal yet so i have to pretend. because i fall way too fast. if he were to see this he'd run for the hills. call me clingy. call me crazy. ghost me. but that's just how i am.

i love too hard
i love too fast
i love the wrong people

but that's just me. i'm working on it. i'm trying to change. to be normal. to be less affectionate. to be more nonchalant

but i just have so much love in my heart and i tend to spill so much of it on the first person that looks at me

i hate that about myself. shit i hate myself. but when i'm around him i feel so confident. i feel like a bad bitch. like a model even. and that's not to say he's the reason why i love myself. it's like im squinting and he's my glasses. he helps me realize that me being myself is enough. i don't need to be like her or like her. when i'm me i'm my best self. i'm funny. i'm pretty. i'm sexy. i'm amazing. i don't need anyone to tell me otherwise cs bitch look at me. i'm me and that's enough and if someone doesn't like it the fuck them. i don't need them or their negativity in my life. he's not the reason in feel that way but he's definitely helped me see myself in a different light

it just hurts that he doesn't feel the same. i wish we could switch hearts so when he sees me he knows how hard it beats. how i can't control it. it's just my nature. how i get excited everytime i hear his name. how i can't stop smiling when he talks to me. i wish he knew how i felt and maybe, just maybe things would be different. because i'm not clingy. i'm not bad weird. i'm not scary. i just love too hard. my intentions are good and if i could tone it down i would. but i can't.

so either he deals with it or unfortunately i'm gonna have to wait another 17 years to find that one person who matches me. who finishes my sentences. who laughs at my dumb jokes. who makes me feel normal.

and i'd hate to wait that long.