3am Notes

🌀(pt.3)

I'm catching a sad
it's like when you catch a cold. you feel all the symptoms.
the heart ache
the reoccurring thoughts
the dam about to break from the tears coming
the way my heartbeat shakes my whole body

i was excited. i thought i found my person. the person i could laugh with. cuddle with. argue with. be silly with. run errands with. kiss. introduce to my family. i thought i finally found someone worth my time.

i got too excited. i flew too close to the sun.

but in my defense he was the pilot.
he was the one that seduced me with his eyes. he was the one that held me close to him. like he could finally breathe when he held me. he was the one that kissed my cheek every 2 seconds. kissed my neck. kissed me here. kissed me there. then when he finished he'd take a step back and just look at me. laugh when i would turn the other was cs he was looking for too long. when i was sitting in the water and he swam up to me and laid between my legs and held my waist. how he held me in the water as i held onto his arm and stupidly swung back and forth like he was a swing set. but he didn't think it was stupid. he looked over at me with a content smile. then he looked like he was about to kiss me.

but i loved it. i loved every second of it. i loved the way he made eye contact with me instead of eyeing my body. i loved the way he treated me as a human being instead of a piece of meat. instead of a game. i loved how he wrapped his arm around my shoulder when we walked. i loved how he would hold and rub my hands and say "they're so soft". i loved how he would grab my face out of the blue and kiss me. i loved it when it was just us two and he would just stare into my eyes or at my face. i loved how we connected about random shit. how i could say something and he'd understand exactly how i felt. i absolutely loved how confident i felt around him. like i could say anything and he wouldn't look at me like i was dumb. how he would give me his undivided attention when i would speak. i loved how i didn't have to pretend to be interested in this or act like that for him to like me. i was just unapologetically me and that's what he liked.

then we stopped talking. all his vibes went away. i thought i had imagined it. i mean i must have because he was a totally different person over the phone.

but then we'd talk on the party and he would play some Brent Faiyaz and sing the words with me. and we'd laugh at 👽 because he didn't know who tf was playing.

then back to radio silence. only hearing his thoughts through the grapevine instead of his pretty mouth.

then i see him again. and my stomach gets butterflies. my vagina tingles. and my heart beats extra hard. he looks me in the eyes and i feel myself melt. but i play it cool. he can't know i didn't mean it when i said i didn't want to be with him anymore.

he comes up to me and starts playing in the sand and i know i couldn't have imagined it. the spark was there.

that's it. that's the word i've been looking for. it explains how i feel almost perfectly. a spark. when i'm around him if feels like electricity is flowing through my veins. i feel at ease but excited at the same time.

when i walk away from him he says "come here". i love it when he says that. i love it when he says my name. i love it when he laughs. i love how handsome he is when he puts his glasses on. all i can do is stare jt him when he wears them because i'm in awe. like damn he really exists. he's really sitting right in front of me and i've felt his lips before. i love it when he makes this little baby voice when he jokes around. i love how high i feel when i'm around him. i love it.

it's dark out and i'm drinking my water. he's talking but i can't hear it. i just feel the vibrations of his voice and watching the way his lips move. watching his eyes look at me when he speaks. i think he asks me a question but i'm not sure so i pour the 2 drops left onto him. he snatches me up and says "do it again and we're gonna have to fight". i melt like cheese in the oven when it's on broil. so i grab my other water bottle and pour it down his shirt. he takes my phone from me and slips it in his pocket where it stays for the next hour or so. then he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards him. as if he wants me to stand in between his legs. god do i want to. i want to wrap my arms around his neck and have him wrap his around my lower back. just like he did outside my house. when he pulled me into him and kissed me as if i was his air. then he watched me walk into the house before driving off.