3am Notes

💙(pt.3)

it's funny.
but it's not funny.
what's happening to you is funny.
but what happened to her isn't.

you're the only person i hold hate for in my heart. somehow i've been able to forgive every person that's done me wrong. the girl that publicly humiliated me for about a year. all of the people that tormented and bullied me. even the nigga that raped me. but i can't forgive you.

you hurt me in a different way. you exposed me to a pain i've never felt before and that i'd never wish upon anyone.

you gained my trust. made me love you. let me spend money on you. tell all my friends about you. tell my family about you. let me post you. let you take my virginity. just for you to play mind games with me.

when i showed up outside your house and you yelled at me for coming when we were texting all morning. when i told you i was omw and you said ok. then to have another shorty sleeping in your room.

when you posted a video of you shaking some girl's tits and it basically went viral.

when we'd argue and you'd throw my insecurities in my face. reminded me that i'm not shit.

when you did this. when you did that. you've done so much fucked up shit. i endured so much mental and emotional abuse from you. the push and the pull that came with being with you. i endured it all because i loved you. but the last straw was you getting a girlfriend.

you move to a different state and search up colleges near you that had the major i wanted. talked all this talk about coming to see me everyday. me not having to live on campus because i could live with you. me supporting your dreams and you supporting mine.

then to find out you have a girlfriend. she's posting pictures in your boxers. hearting your shit and you hearting hers. sharing shit and tagging each other. you moving in with her. basically replacing me. it was a huge slap to the face. a huge dent in my heart and confidence and my life.

you were my rock when my grandmother died. i could call you at 3 in the morning when i had insomnia or a bad dream and talk me down and you'd do the same. i can't count how many times you texted me "are you up. can we talk" and i'd stay up to make you feel better. whether i had school the next day or not.

to think that none of it really mattered wouldn't be logical. you've told me some of your deepest darkest secrets that i still hold in my heart and have never shared because i loved you and i'm completely confident you loved me just as much if not more. you just had a really fucked up way of showing it.

you were so used to being hurt after you exposed yourself which is why you had to hurt first. that's the excuse that i used everytime you threw my insecurities in my face. everytime you'd call me names because a guy would look at me. or talk to me. or text me. or call me. that's what i repeated over and over again so many times

but i couldn't come up with an excuse for why you'd be intimate with someone else. having sex with i could handle. you're a slime bastard and that's expected. but to be intimate? to do all the things you used to do with me with her? to think of you hold her like you used to hold me? kissing her on her forehead like you used to kiss mine? gassing her up and giving her silly nicknames like you used to give me? posting her like you used to post me?

i couldn't handle it. i literally broke into a million pieces. it took me MONTHS to bring myself back together. i still haven't fully picked myself up and it's been over a year since we met. you're the reason why i'm so fucked up. why it's so hard for me to trust. why i have panic attacks when thinking about trusting another nigga and going through all that pain again. why i haven't even thought about being in another relationship. why i can't take anyone seriously. you fucked me up so fucking bad. i hate you for it. i hate myself for letting a person be my happiness. for depending on someone else so much. for loving so hard. for ignoring all the red flags. for being so fucking dumb and stupid.

i'll be damned if i ever let another nigga have that much control over me. if probably kill myself. because no matter how good the good was. how high you made me feel. how i was the happiest i've ever been in my life when i was laying beside you or staring down at you; the bads were so painful. so bad i couldn't get myself out of bed to go to school. so bad i would stay in bed for days and just cry my eyes out and not udder a single word to anyone. so bad i started cutting again.

i hate you for planting a seed in my heart and letting me think it was love when it was really just manipulation and pain. i hate that the seed is still rooted in my heart. and yes i've been cutting away at it but it's still there. i still get scared. i still have moments of weakness when i miss being with you and talking to you and kissing you and holding you. when i miss you and i remember how good i used to feel being around you. how you were the first person to ever see me naked. how you could calm my anxious heart just by holding me.

so i think this situation is funny because now everyone sees you as a monster. now everyone sees you how i see you. an evil son of a bitch who deserves all the karma that is coming your way.