Rants for days!

Periods .-.

I thought it was absolutely fucking necessary to start off with one of the worst things a women can experience, other than birth, of course. Which is obviously your period. For all those who don't know what a period is, for whatever reason, I'll enlighten you on the topic.

A period is pretty much Satan being realised out of your vagina in a glorious red waterfall, every single fucking month. You're now enlightened.

Right, it sounds pretty bad and you think I'm obviously cracking a funny because I'm a hilarious person, but honestly, I wish I was exaggerating.

My last period, I kid you not I took a million pain killers, and that was just to get rid of the period CRAMP, not the pain.

My mum is on heaps of medication cause she has insomnia, IBS and thyroid problems so I took her IBS pills. Which I might add are like death in a pill for pain. But no, apparently my uterus had different plans for these pills.

Nothing worked for more than ten seconds. So I was doubled over in pain for six days.

And like who the fuck knows what a uterus could do to even cause that much pain? Like are you having a gymnastics competition with the ovaries or something? Seriously, calm the fuck down, down there.

It's not like a I'm a cry baby or anything. Not meaning to like blow my own trumpet or anything but I'm not. I can stand up to an average amount of pain, if I'm being honest. I like to think I have a large tolerance for pain, but I don't.

Dogs have periods. But do you see them doubled over, dying? Do you see them on their death bed whining for drugs to rid the pain? No, cause they're bitches. (Ahah get the joke? Funny ;')) Like why do humans have the pain? We do the work. No, of course not. That would be fair. So because most home dogs sleep all day it makes sense for them to walk around happily, dripping blood as they go. Also, they pull all the male dogs on their period. Which has a special name; heat. God damn the circle of life.

Okay and then there's the tampons and the pads. So here's your only choice to make for your vagina's waterfall. Tampons and pads. You can choose to wear a pad.. If you feel like going back to your infant years. Because it feels like your wearing a fucking nappy. Mate, do I look two years old to you?

And then there's the tampons. (Little rockets) These are quite helpful some times, when your vagina wants to be your friend. When it doesn't, all hell will break loose. It will tighten and good luck to getting your tampon up there now. If you do, it will feel like your constantly being stabbed and attacked from the inside. Fun.

We may as well admit that periods are the most joyous thing to have. Lightening up the day. Bringing smiles to women's faces around the world, like that wasn't hard enough already.

And then when females complain nobody has sympathy for you. It's not like I did this to myself. I didn't mean to be the fastest sperm, okay? I didn't mean to bleed from my vagina for seven days every month. And you hear the boys; "We have way worse things to worry about." Why don't you just shut up? Oh whoop de do! You have an erection? Is it embarrassing? Everyone can tell? At least nobody can tell your bleeding from your fucking vagina and it feels like your uterus has been stomped on by elephants. God damn you, boys.

Hold up, then there's the cravings. It sounds just like a normal craving right? It sounds just like when your lying down and your little mind thinks, "I feel like chips" but you don't go get them. Because you can't be bothered. You know, it's so much effort to transport yourself from the couch to pantry. You'd rather get someone else to do it than doing it yourself. And if nobody will do it for you, it doesn't matter 'cause you didn't need them anyway'.

It's not that sort of craving. No way. This is a period craving were talking about. The one when you will literally walk over broken glass for thousands of miles, in all the pain your already in just to get the $4 chocolate bar you're forever craving. And then you'll be happy.. For ten minutes, if your lucky.

Which leads me onto the next rant of periods; your ever so lovely temperament while on it. I wish. Just so everyone is clear, periods do make your emotions a roller coaster. No, it's not an excuse for being angry. Your hormones are scattered all over the place, making you have a short temper and very little patience. We don't mean to yell at you, we don't mean to get so angry or annoyed, but we will.

However, periods are a good sign of not being pregnant.
I got my period extremely young so I've had it for a very long time :/
Advice: Sleep, food and the Internet are great cures for period cramps and pains. All you got to do is pretty much distract yourself from the fact that your vagina is bleeding (:
Don't over do it, and go sky diving or something extravagant. Try have lazy days until you're feeling up to being alive.
Periods are great excuses for getting out of school activities e.g swimming, running etc.
Just don't lie having it when you don't to get out of things. They will think there is something wrong with you and direct you to a nurse to get yourself checked out (:
Enjoy period life, ladies.