The Winter Rose

Part 2

            That night I had a horrible nightmare. I woke up with a sweat and screaming with tears streaming down my face. Haven’t had nightmares like that since the 9th grade. 3rd grade through 9th grade were dark time for me. The only thing that reminds me of that dark period is the check ins my ex-therapist gives and the past that covers my left arm, hips, and thighs. It’s a constant reminder of what a fuck up I am. How my dad never loved me and all he wanted to do was hurt me; it was my fault. Just by this nightmare I know I’m going bad again and I don’t want to go back.

             The dream I was in a dim room; while sitting in a corner sobbing. I was young, around like 5 or 6 years old, crying for my mom, but she never came. Suddenly a large silhouette is coming toward me. Booming foot steps are race toward me. Next thing I know I’m being punched, kicked, and thrown around by this dark figure. Eventually I see blood, this bright red, beautiful blood that just fills the room with color. All I see is red and nothing more and then I wake up.

            I stayed up the rest of the night. If I dared to close my eyes the horrific imagines would come back. Soon I decided to get out of bed and make a cup of coffee to keep myself awake. About 10 minutes after I got my coffee and my mom walks in the house.

“What are you doing up so late?” she ask while setting down her keys and jacket down.

“I had a nightmare.” I replied while taking a sip of my coffee.

“Oh no...” she’s replies. “Are you okay…do I need to call Mrs. Johnson.”

“No mom…it was just a nightmare not a mental break down.”

“Okay, now please, get some sleep.” My mom says as she heads to the stairs, but she stopped and turns to me and says “I love you…”

I finish my coffee and head upstairs.

            Time went by so quickly while listening to music. Cold play, Falling  in Reverse, My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, and All Time Low are just a fraction of what I listen to. Its 6am now and I’m powering off of four hours of sleep. I go through the same thing I went through yesterday. The struggle of finding a decent outfit, the hair situation, and, of course, the thirty minute process of make-up I have to go through. Christian comes to pick me up again. We meet at the front of the school for Martha so we can walk to class together. Soon Martha part ways with us while me and Christian head to our English class.

            We head to the seats we sat in yesterday and waited for the bell to ring.

“Alex, Are you okay? You didn’t say a word in the car or walking to class with Martha. Now please tell me the truth, Are you okay?” Christian ask as he grabs my hand looking me in my eyes as if he’s piercing my soul.

“Yeah…I’m alright just a nightmare you know.” I replied while looking down at my phone.

Ignoring Christian and anything else had to say. Suddenly I got a text message; it was from Seth. I don’t remember giving him my number, so I asked where he got it from. Apparently he ran into Martha in the halls and she gave it to him. I didn’t mind, but next time I wish she would you know tell me before she gives my number away. All of class I was texting Seth. I learned a lot about him, like where he’s originally from, what sports he liked to play and what he just enjoyed doing.

            Next thing I know class is over and the bell rings. Christian left me behind. I think he’s upset with me because I ignored him, so I walked alone to chemistry. In the crowded halls Seth somehow spots me yet again and we walk to class together. We begin talking more and more. Instead of Christian picking up and dropping me off its Seth. October comes from around the corner before I even notice. A month of school and a month of a new friendship, but I want it to be more.

            I fell for him. His gorgeous light blue eyes, his soft blonde hair, and most of his entire smile just makes my day. Every time I think of him all I see is his beautiful smile. I want to tell him how I feel, but I’m too afraid of the rejection. Day after day and night after night and I still haven’t had the guts to tell him the truth. Today, October 17th I’ll never forget he took me to the park just us, no Martha, no Christian, just us.

“Seth I have to get something off my chest.” I say while choking on my own words.

“Yeah Alex, you can tell me anything.” He replies.

“I…I have feelings for you. Not just a tiny crush that could go away in the matter of twelve days. I think I’m in love with you. I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I thought I could really never love anyone because of my past….but when I met you I finally felt warm inside. I finally felt the warm embrace of love and it was from you. Now please tell me you feel the same way…if not then at least say something instead of silence.” I said as I began to cry frozen tears that rush down my rosy red cheeks from the cold weather of Michigan.

“I…I don’t know what to say Alex, but I want you to be mine.” He replies as he places his hands on my freezing cheeks wiping the frozen tears away.

            He pulls me in close so I feel the warmth of him. He hugs me and I hold on tighter. He then kisses me; he actually kissed me. The first boy ever to love me and now he’s mine. After that he drove me home, walks me up to the door and kisses me again.

“Good night beautiful.” He said while he walks off back toward his car.

I walk in the house, love-struck, by the guy of my dreams. All I could think about was his gorgeous face, how his lips touch mine, and how I didn’t want him to leave.

            I walk upstairs to my room and close the door. Jumping and screaming in excitement. I finally have someone to call my own. Finally have someone who loves me, but not for whom I am. I’m not going to tell him about my past, I just want to focus on my future with him.  Next thing I know I hear a *Bloop* as my phone rings and buzzes in my pocket. It’s Christian; I haven’t talked to him in a while or Martha. I have to tell him the big news so I replied to his text.

“Hey Christian, I got some big news.” I sent him with many smiley emoticons.

“What is it?” He replied.

“Me and Seth are together now!” She replied

            She’s taken, before I could even tell her how I feel about her. How much I love her cute smile or her piercing green eyes that I just get lost in. I wish I wasn’t such a damn fool and too scared to tell her. Well it’s too late now and I can’t change it, so I just reply and play it off as if I don’t know what’s going on.

“Seth??? I don’t remember meeting him” I replied.

How could I not forget? The way she looks at him was the way hopefully she would look at me; I took too long and I guess she got tired of waiting.

“Yes, you do. We met him in line for coffee on the first day of school, remember?” she replied.

It hurt the pain of knowing the one you love is in love with another and now I’m heartbroken with no one here to repair it. She won’t ever know how I feel because it could ruin our friendship now. I don’t want to lose her as a friend even though I lost her as my future love. 

“Hmm…nope but oh well Ha-lha. Congrats on your first love!” Christian replied

“Thanks!!” I said.

            Soon after that he never replied back to me. Maybe he fell asleep of something, I don’t know. I also had to tell Martha about it and she’s so proud of me. I mean like when is she not but this time she genuinely proud of me.  Tonight I slept without the nightmares I think it’s because of how happy I actually am now.