Waiting for Better Days

Now What

I was walking to Head's house. I had so many things on my mind. My mom, my dad, how I was going to take care of the bills for next month. It was all so much and so stressful. I tried to shake it all of and put something else in my head.

To calm myself down I would always count things. Like cars that passed, birds that flew by, cute guys, thots flirting with the cute guys, I would count everything. Cause numbers kept me calm.

I kept counting every ugly mf I saw until I turned down the Street Head lived on. It took me about 18 mins to get here, which was longer than usual. Only because I didn't really want to go this time. I knew something bad happened but I just did know what it was. But I didn't have a choice.

When I got to the house I didn't bother knocking on the door because he was already expecting me. I opened the door and just walked in. I turned and seen Head and one of his workers sitting on the couch. They heard me come in and turnt around.

Head and Rafael stood up and looked at me. Rafael was one of Head's workers. He was 2 years older than me. I didn't really pay him any attention but he always stared at me and I hate when people stared. Head told me several times that he had a crush on me but I don't know the first thing about boys or none of that other stuff, didn't have the time. So I always brushed it off and kept it moving. And I seen him as a brother figure anyway so that's just weird. I mean he's not ugly or nothing like that..... Yeah whatever just forget it, I don't even know why I'm think about him.

"Hey y'all, wassup?" I questioned as I walked towards them. Neither of them said anything but they both flashed me some fake ass smiles. Head gestured for me to come and sit with them. I came and sat between the two on the couch.

It was and awkward silence. Nobody spoke, we all just sat.

"Soo... What's up what did you need to tell me?"

My question was ignored, but Rafael reached for the remote control and turned on the TV on the news station.

"In Breaking news a drug related shoot out leaves 7 dead, 3 badly injured, and 2 incarcerated. The two black males will be charged with Drug possession, and manslaughter. The sentence the men will be facing is still unknown.", the news reporter stated.

The two pictures popped up of the men and believe it or not one of those bastards was my dad. I didn't know what to say. I knew my dad shot a few people every now and then, because I witnessed it several times. But killing people? No that was not the person I knew my dad to be. I wanted to cry and act crazy and a lot of other things, but my body wouldn't let me. I just couldn't show one bit of emotion.

Head grabbed my hand and asked me if I was okay, but I couldn't even answer. I just looked at him. I got up and walked outside, ready to make this long journey home knowing that I'm basically on my own. Before I still had him there but now I really am by myself. I never thought it would go this far.

5 minutes into my walk home I heard Rafael call my name. I stopped and waited for him to catch up, without turning around. When I felt his presence by me I continued my walk home.

"You okay Quila? You know if you need anyone to talk to I'm here right? And I don't want you to think nobody's here for you Cause you got me."

Rafael went on for about 10 minutes. "Tequila are you listening to me, I'm not telling you this shit for fuckin empathy I'm serious!"

He then stood in front of me and grabbed me by my shoulders firmly which stopped me in my path. Rafael just started at me and he know I hated that. I just stared at the ground hoping he would move but he didn't.

"Look at me Tequila. -Look at me!"

I didn't listen so he lifted my face by my chin. I couldn't fight the tears this time I just couldn't. He wiped my tears from my face with his thumbs. He didn't say anything, just pulled me in for a hug that I need so badly. I cried uncontrollably for 5 minutes. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a crumbled napkin and wiped my face off.

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine." I said irritated, wiping my eyes and nose off.

"Yo don't get snappy with me I'm just tryna help. Rafael said in his defense.

"Look I don't need you tryna baby me, and watch me, and tell me what to do. I can take care of myself."

I threw down the napkin, fixed my bag and started walking home. This time it wasn't the calm innocent walk. I walked like I was pissed and I wanted a mf to try me.

Since I cried and let my tears out I felt different. Like I just didn't give af anymore. And to be real I didn't.