My Invisible Faith

Görünmez | Invisible

Invisibility. Sometimes it is something used to evade, sneak, and get past those who are stopping you. You are thankful to have it. Other times, it bars you from the others and keeps you from seeking help or refuge. The only refuge you have is your invisibility and God.

Visibility. Quite the opposite. Others can see you, interact with you, help you. But it leaves you exposed to the worst of humans and possibly the most unbearable of fates.

I am Elif. Elif Yılmaz. A thirteen year old Muslim girl. Long dark brown hair, similarly colored eyes, and a mental illness. I am neither invisible or visible. It is fairly difficult to explain. My face, my outer appearance? Visible. My religion, faith, and perception of God? Invisible. I could go on and on.

Let me show you what's so invisible about my faith. Not trying to be racist here, but it's true. You see a black, Hispanic, or white? He's either Christian or atheist. Asian person? Buddhist, Christian, or atheist. Indian person? Hindu or Christian.

Most of the time, you see a person, then think about their religion. However, a lot of people think about Islam then visualize ISIS, Al-Qaeda, terrorists, and destruction. Some imagine oppressed women in burqas. Those are the things that some people see, then think about Islam.

My religion and way of life, Islam, is invisible in two ways. If you see a person that looks like me, you won't be able to see a Muslim unless you know me very well. It's invisible. And to the public, the society, the non-Muslim world, the real, the authentic, the true Islam is hidden by the media and terrorists who use Islam as a coverup.

Both my invisibility and visibility help me get by in life. Nobody sees my religion, and I am free from discrimination and hate. My mental disease, schizophrenia, is fairly visible. I am able to get help and everyone will understand when I scream and bury my face in my hands, hiding from the demons that haunt me.

What I really want to do in this world most of all is serve my purpose, which is to worship and devote myself to God without question. I want to do this while living this life fully. That means I must be accepted into society for who I am, which is clearly not working. I am a schizophrenic Muslim, and a thirteen year old non-mixed Turkish female.

Now, being thirteen years old, Turkish, and a female doesn't really cause any problems, but following Islam and having a mental illness does. I'm labeled "strange" in the community. And why is that? Because I do things like break down in tears, crouch down on the ground and scream, and run pointlessly in random directions. This is because I'm trying to hide from schizophrenic hallucinations and make them stop. I turn a lot of heads in public places like the store or a park.

Now. Being a Muslim causes more problems than ever. I go to the public bathroom to make wudu, and other people walking in are scolding me for "sloshing water everywhere" and "causing custodians more work." Of course I clean up after myself. There are the racist and rude ones too. When I say "Bismillah" after I sneeze or hint that I am Muslim, I immediately get called "raghead" and "terrorist." At least this doesn't happen at school. Some of my fellow seventh graders are more mature than that old man who spat at my feet last week.

My parents help tremendously. My mother and father, Aslihan and Aydin Yılmaz, support me in everything I do. They even turned a spare closet into a comforting and completely padded room where I regularly go to cool down when I start seeing things. My mother is very protective. If I go home and mumble about some random kid who made fun of my name, she emails the principal furiously and demands the kid should learn to be a decent human being. It doesn't stop people from making fun of me, but thanks for the self-esteem boost, Mom!

Long story short, all I want to do is be happy while being a good Muslim, but that will be a long and hard journey. I may have to sacrifice a few things, or society may have to change. At the end, it will be all worth it.