Bitin ang summary mo. I think it is better if you replace it.
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Nakukulangan ako sa thought ng summary. I feel like it can be much mooooore interesting. You can say:
Barzzle Charise Santiago is the daughter of Charles Santiago, the one and only owner (CEO or major stockholder could also be used para mas may impact imbis na owner lang) of Santiago Motors. They were left by her mom back when she was still in fourth grade.
Her life became much more of a mess after something happened in her life. After that came (name of guy), swimmer and future CEO (or successor) of ______ Motors, who is potentially the person to help her.
Together, how can they seek for truth and justice? And what was the incident that happened, anyway?
2. Narration and Dialogue
I started reading and as of now, I think your dialogues are okay. Ang problema, may point of view pero mukhang wala masyadong thoughts si Azle. Remember that you are narrating someone else's point of view, and para mas malaliman ang storya, kailangan naming readers na malaman kung paano mag-isip ang bida. In the chapter Azle, puro nangyayari lang sa paligid ang nabanggit. Konti pang yung emphasis about sa thoughts ni girlie.
Also, this part was very empty and confusing for me:
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Parang, okay, the guy looked good and binuhat siya. As a reader, gets ko na he may be potentially the lover of Azle. Pero what happened next, napa-huh ako and I even had to read it thrice. Okay, kanina binuhat siya papunta sa van dahil sugatan, right? I think wala masyadong imik ang characters mo rito kaya hindi ko ramdam yung kaba na nararamdaman ni Azle habang papunta ng ospital. You could exaggerate the scenario a little by adding dialogues like:
"Saan ba kasi tayo pupunta? Wala bang sasagot sa akin?!" — because if someone's taking you somewhere you don't know and no one's telling you anything, of course you'd be annoyed. Or if Azle is not that type of person, you could tell us na habang mahaba ang biyahe ay mabilis ang tibok ng puso niya or anything along those lines.
