It's My Story✔

48. Journal

JAY POV

"Get Off me, Ved. Will you?", I am really tired after being there at the carnival. I just wanna sleep my eyes off. And Ved is not helping me anyway by moving on this couch. Better sleep on the floor.

I just spread the blanket and slept on the floor. But its too cold to sleep in here. The floor radiating the coldness through the blanket not allowing to sleep. This is it. I am not sleeping tonight. Better than catching up a cold or waking up with a backache. I will just sleep later in the morning after going back to the house.

Its 3 AM. Dark and Cold. Silence is not actually silent, its too loud. Especially at this time. What should I do? I can't go out at this time and get lost as I don't know the streets too well. And stray dogs are everywhere, can't risk my life for boredom.

I just sat with my back against the couch and staring into the room. It is beautiful though. When you stare into darkness for too long, you can see things. Just like silence not being too silent, darkness is not too dark. There is light, we just need to get adjusted to it to see it.

I can hear the clock ticking seconds. Time running too slow and mind thinking too fast. What am I? Who am I? These questions are the main ones out of a thousand other thoughts. I don't remember many things that happened or define who I am or who I was. I am not the same Jay. I need to find myself in my own brain. I struggle with myself. I fight with my present to get to my past so I can have a future. Twisted? Right. Exactly that's my situation.

I wish there is something I can do to pass the time. Even a book helps now. I just remembered that I saw a stack of books on the table and went to grab one. Thank god, she has these. I think she reads a lot. There is a mini-library here.

I just pulled a book out of there. A book just fell along with that. Oh, I really messed up here. I just grabbed it to put it back in its place. This book seems so different, what is this? A journal?

She writes journal too. Wow, that impressive.

'Shall I open this', I asked my mind.

'It is not manners to read someone's journal without their permission.', my mind mocked me.

'True. But this seems so good and interesting. I will just read a page or two. Nothing more. Nothing deep. I promise', I said to my mind.

'No no no', my mind screamed at me but my hands have their own mind.

I just ignored that sane part of my mind and opened the journal. And started reading the first page.

August 09

Life is full of surprises and miracles. Some are good surprises and some are bad shocks. Today is the best day.

Jay asked me to be his girlfriend. I just can't believe that it's not a dream. I know I like him too much for my own good. Like? Nah, I love him. I know that and I am very proud of that fact. Just looking at his beautiful eyes is enough. I fell hard, but I won't say that. It sound's crazy and cheesy to tell that I can live just looking at those eyes.

But it's not his looks I really love him for. It's his presence that just brings light to everything and peace to me. Enough for a lifetime.

And I said YES. In a heartbeat.

It sounds different referring to him as a boyfriend and not a best friend. Not bad different but good different. Butterflies in the stomach, Glitters on the face and Sparkles all over.

Is this for real? I asked her to be my girlfriend? I don't know that my eyes look that beautiful.

She is fond of my eyes. I don't know what to feel. Good? Happy? I feel confused. This is real. I must have really loved her for asking her to be mine. Maybe I did. Not now. Not after I am not past Jay anymore. I don't know her. I don't know myself.

September 09

One month. One month for being his girlfriend. Nothing really changed between us except for the closeness. We are closer than before. He talks about his fears. He said that his biggest fear is losing things. I said that it's okay.

His smile is what I live for. Beautiful and full of life. Contagious. And the way he looks at me. With love.

My smile. Did I use to smile that bright? I don't know. I have no memory of my smile. Or a reason to smile for the past months. I wish I really can smile as good she describes. If only I remember..

I just turned many pages at a time. This is bad enough to read her diary and now it's not helping me. It is making me remember that me more.

January 01

New year. New hopes. New beginnings.

I wish Jay gets everything he ever wishes for. That's my wish this year.

When people in books tell that when one loves they wish for their lover more than for themselves. I thought I understood that when I read that in different ways in many books. But no. I never understood that exactly. I just thought I did.

Now, it's different. I wish nothing for me. I wish his happiness, that's enough for bringing happiness in mine.

He deserves everything in this world and he knows not a little bit of that. That's why he deserves everything.

Love makes you feel happiness in their happiness,

Success in their success and

Peace when they are at peace.

I can't bring myself to read this anymore. She really loves me. Past me. I must be that good for her adoration or she must be too generous to find me such. Anyways I can only find that she adores me. She admires me. She wishes for my happiness and nothing for her. This is too much to handle.

It's a very bad idea to start reading this. And now I can't undo knowing her strong adoration for her.