I Have Loved You Since We Were Eighteen

Todoroki's POV

He lit up a cigarette, looking at the sky and not caring about his almost naked figure as he took a long drag of smoke. His whole self was shaking in pain and pure, unadulterated agony as he tried to regulate his body temperature. 
 
He felt cold , too cold like he was dead inside. Like his body was nothing but a walking, breathing corpse, like he was crumbling, decomposing from the inside out. And, as much as he tried, the heat from his left side couldn’t keep him warm. The smoke from the cigarette couldn’t warm his lungs. The hot, scalding water from the shower he took a few minutes ago was not enough to alleviate the cold that froze him from deep inside his bones. 
 
Shouto didn’t believe that anything could, actually. He didn’t even know why he still tried. 
 
Nothing ever prepared him for the pain he was feeling, not his traumatic childhood, not all the loss and grief he had been through. Those were different kinds of pain and memory was not a reliable thing when it came to suffering; trauma usually got hidden inside a deep, dark side of a person’s brain. 
 
This pain was fresh, like an open and deep, bleeding cut. Like it was taking away his will to live, making him a doll, a puppet controlled by his despair and suffering. Shouto felt like he had been stabbed, his heart clenching so tightly in pain that he was almost scared it would stop beating. 
 
He couldn’t cry; the pain was too great for tears. He felt too tired and defeated and dead inside to do so. He had no energy, no power left to fight anymore. It was all over for him. 
 
The love of his life was going to get married and Shouto was going to attend his bachelor party that night. He was going to be there, celebrating the happiness of the one he loved the most, watching him smile and laugh and plan his life with someone else. And yet, he couldn’t make a single move to get dressed and go.
 
Taking another drag of his cigarette, Shouto felt his body shaking from the cold but he ignored it; there was nothing he could do. No amount of clothes, of heat, would be able to stop it. Not when it came from deep inside himself, from his very broken heart, and there was no fixing it.
 
He wanted to scream; he wanted to punch something, to set the whole world on fire, to express all the pain he felt inside. He wanted to set himself on fire, so maybe the cold would finally cease to exist. Maybe the suffering would stop, maybe he would be at peace. 
 
But Shouto was no coward and, despite everything, Katsuki was still his friend. 
 
He fought so much to have that friendship, he couldn’t ruin it now. No matter how much it killed him to see Katsuki with Jirou. 
 
“Shouto?” Came the soft voice on the other side of the door, followed by a knock. The door opened after his lack of reply and Momo entered his room, her eyes red and her usually impeccable make up a complete mess . “Oh, Shouto...”
 
He must have looked as bad as he felt, because the Omega hugged his partial naked form tightly, almost making him drop the cigarette. 
 
“How am I going to do this, Momo?” He asked, his voice husky and bitter, low, just above a whisper. Almost like he was too afraid to speak loudly, to hear his own words. 
 
“I don’t know,” She sobbed, tears running down her face. “I don’t know. I don’t know how we are going to do this.” 
 
Oh, right. Because Jirou was Momo’s secret love for as long as Shouto has been in love with Katsuki. It was what brought them together, what made their friendship strong as they shared their insecurities and fears about the ones they loved. A few months after they decided to move in together, they found out about Jirou and Katsuki’s relationship, which broke their hearts in a way they were not prepared to deal with. Apparently, they’ve been together for quite some time, dating in secret, living a dream while Shouto and Momo simply fell apart with insecurities and fears.
 
“Maybe we shouldn’t go. Maybe we should just stay here.” Shouto suggested, holding her tighter as her sobbing turned desperate, a sound, a feeling , that reverberated deep inside himself. 
 
Katsuki didn’t need him there. Katsuki didn’t need him . He had Jirou, he was happy, he didn’t need Shouto in his life. Even though there were supposedly friends, something Katsuki never seemed to appreciate that much, always complaining and calling Shouto names and trying to drive him away, as far away as he could. Even if the small smiles, the moments they shared together, full of something soft, something deep, seemed to only fuel Shouto’s passion. 
 
But it all had been an illusion. The looks they shared, their easy camaraderie, the remedial lessons, the battles together… 
 
And the way Shouto always seemed to care and worry about his friend, but Katsuki never returned the feeling. The way Shouto reached out for him, but Katsuki always pushed him away. The friendship Shouto claimed and Katsuki denied. It all should have prepared him for an obvious rejection, but it never did. It never did because, deep inside, Shouto had hope . It turned out he was the idiot Katsuki always claimed he was because it was all for nothing. 
 
Still, the Omega, for some unknown reason, asked Shouto to be his best man, something that only managed to hurt the Alpha even more. It felt like rubbing salt to an open wound like Katsuki was ripping his heart apart with his bare hands… but Shouto couldn’t say no. He couldn’t deny that beautiful, strong Omega anything.
 
“No, Shouto… as much as it hurts me, I-I… I want her to be happy. ” Momo declared, her whole body shaking, and Shouto felt even more like an idiot. 
 
A selfish, self-centered idiot. 
 
It was not like he didn’t want Katsuki to be happy, he did. He wanted it so much… The problem was: it hurt too much. It hurt so much that Shouto couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t deal with the fact that he wasn’t the one making Katsuki happy. He couldn’t deal with the fact that he wasn’t the one Katsuki was making happy memories with. That he wasn’t the one Katsuki was going to sleep with, to make love with, to smile to. He wasn’t the one Katsuki was going to build a family with, the one who would get Katsuki pregnant and watch their children grow with. He wasn’t the one who was going to take care of Katsuki and make sure he didn’t overwork himself, that he got enough sleep, that he ate properly. He wasn’t the one who was going to see Katsuki’s most vulnerable sides, who was going to hear Katsuki’s soft words of love and adoration, who was going to take Katsuki in his arms. 
 
He wasn’t the one Katsuki chose. He wasn’t going to be Katsuki’s Alpha, Katsuki’s mate.
 
And it hurt so much that Shouto could barely breathe. 
 
Shouto only realized he was actually crying when Momo’s delicate hands touched his face, wiping up his tears even though she was also shedding them. 
 
“We need to be strong.” She said, her lips touching Shouto’s forehead gently. 
 
“I’m so tired of being strong, Momo. I’m so, so tired...” He breathed, closing his eyes while trying to ignore the agony that threatened to swallow him whole. 
 
“I know, my dear. But we don’t have any other choice.” 
 
She smiled through her tears, a watery, sad thing that made her look as weak as Shouto felt. They were in this together… and he couldn’t abandon her simply because he was too much of a coward to deal with real life. 
 
Taking a deep breath, Shouto held his friend’s face gently, staring deeply into her eyes to try to pass as the confidence he didn’t actually possess. “Let’s get ready. I want you to look like the queen you are, Momo. We will survive this night… I don’t know how, but we will.” 
 
She nodded, placing one of her hands on top of his and enlacing their fingers. “Let’s focus on that.”
 
Momo left his room quietly and Shouto decided to finally get ready for that dreaded party. He put on a white button-up shirt and black dressing pants, matching with his black coat. Despite everything, Shouto wanted to look good, because he was petty, and he made sure to put on his most expensive perfume. 
 
His strategy for the night was simple; he was going to avoid the happy couple as much as humanly possible and drink until he lost all sense of reality. It was not a good plan, but it was what he had for the moment. 
 
-
 
Shouto agreed with Momo that a driver seemed like a good idea, since both of them were going to drink, and he really didn’t want the responsibility of driving a car. The Omega sat by his side inside the vehicle, looking absolutely stunning with her red dress and beautiful jewelry, and Shouto was proud of his friend for managing to look so unbothered by everything.
 
“You look beautiful.” He said, offering her a small smile that made her blush. 
 
“And you, Mr. Todoroki, look absolutely handsome.” She replied, giggling. “We are so pathetic.”
 
“We really are. What are we trying to do? Seduce the happy couple?”
 
“Maybe.” She snorted, delicate and elegantly, like everything she did. 
 
“Well, maybe that will get us a foursome.” He joked and she smacked his leg with a scandalized expression. 
 
“Shouto!”
 
He snickered a self-deprecating gesture that made his friend look at him with a mixture of worry and exasperation. He couldn’t be blamed, though. The Omega he has been pinning over for six years was going to get married to the love of her life. It was a messed up situation. 
 
They arrived at Izuku’s house after a few minutes of riding in silence and Shouto couldn’t deny he was nervous. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want to see them together, he barely wanted to be alive at that moment. But he didn’t actually have a choice, so he looked at Momo one last time before climbing out of the car and took a deep breath. 
 
There goes nothing.
 
Momo, bless her soul, texted Izuku to let him know they were there since Shouto couldn’t do much but stare at the building. Not even a minute had passed until Eijirou appeared, smiling widely at them and hugging them both like the ray of sunshine he was. Shouto was grateful to have him as a friend. 
 
“Guys!” The redhead said, excited. “I missed the two of you!”
 
“We missed you too, Eijirou,” Momo said with a gentle smile, touching their friend’s arm affectionately. “How have you and Izuku been?”
 
Eijirou started leading them inside, still smiling, opening the door so they could walk through the corridors and get to the elevator. “Good, very good! Working a lot, as always, but we manage. And how is the prettiest couple doing?” He questioned, pressing the button to get to his floor and turning to look at them. 
 
Shouto frowned, confused, looking at Momo for clarification. She seemed just as lost and Eijirou noticed that, snickering and shaking his head. “I’m talking about you guys! Mr. and Mrs. Beauty!”
 
Realization seemed to dawn on Momo’s eyes, but Shouto remained clueless. “Oh, Eijirou, we are not a couple, we’ve never been a couple. We are just friends.”
 
“Wait, what?! ” The redhead asked the second the elevator stopped, the doors opening, and the loud noises of the party making Shouto take a deep breath. 
 
So, everyone thought they were together? Typical. He was used to people assuming things about him, but Shouto always thought he was too obvious about his preference for males. Omega males. 
 
“We aren’t dating. We don’t fancy each other like-” He started explaining, but a sudden presence made him stop as he was basically attacked by another hug. 
 
“Shouto! I’ve missed you so much!” Izuku cried out, squeezing him so tightly that he almost couldn’t breathe. 
 
Chuckling, Shouto hugged his friend back, patting his large shoulders affectionately. Izuku still had the power to make his day a bit brighter, and Shouto found himself smiling despite the pain he was feeling. “I’ve missed you too.”
 
“How have the two of you been? You guys disappeared!” The other Alpha asked, leading them inside his house with a warm smile. 
 
“We’ve been busy,” Shouto replied, a little guilty for abandoning his friend.
 
“I understand that sometimes a new couple needs their privacy, but I was a little hurt that the two of you simply vanished! I felt like I wasn’t part of your life anymore and that you were so focused on each other that you actually forgot-” 
 
“Babe, they are not together.” Kirishima interrupted Izuku with an awkward smile, patting his back while the other man turned to look at him with an expression of pure horror. “And that’s a little dramatic.” 
 
“What do you mean they aren’t together? But Kacchan...” 
 
“I know, ” Kirishima replied to Izuku’s weird questioning, leaving Shouto and Momo completely confused. His tone was different from everything Shouto had ever heard; cutting, with a sense of urgency and finality that he couldn’t quite understand. 
 
“Is there a problem?” Momo asked, softly as they finally arrived at the party. 
 
The noise made Shouto frown, a bit bothered, but he tried hard to hide it. The fact that he didn’t want to be there made everything even worse, and the weird way his friends were acting left him uneasy like something was very wrong with the situation and he couldn’t understand what.
 
It felt like Shouto made a huge mistake somewhere and he had no idea of what was going on. Or how to fix it. 
 
“O-oh, of course not, Momo! No, no! No problem at all!” Izuku said with an embarrassed chuckle, scratching the back of his head. 
 
“Please, enjoy the party, guys. Everyone else is already here! We have to make sure nothing falls apart.” Kirishima declared with a wink, basically dragging his Alpha with him and leaving Shouto and Momo to fend for themselves. 
 
He didn’t know what to do; in fact, the only thing Shouto actually wanted to do was to go back home and never leave again. The whole exchange with his friends left him even more anxious and he really didn’t need more nervousness that night. His brain was already doing an amazing job on its own. 
 
“What was that?” Momo asked, as confused as he was. 
 
“I have no idea. But I need a drink.” Shouto replied, looking at her and sighing. She nodded, understanding his situation, and touched his arm affectionately.
 
“Okay, sweetie. I’m going to talk to Tenya and Uraraka. You know where to find me.” 
 
Shouto gave her a small, defeated smile before heading towards the small, makeshift bar. He poured himself a glass of whiskey, taking a large sip and sighing, his body shuddering at the bitter taste. The burning sensation down his throat felt good , better than the coldness he had been feeling the whole day. Better than to deal with feelings, with the fact that he was attending Katsuki's bachelor party. 
 
He hoped the alcohol could numb his insides, could numb the pain, the helplessness, the fear. He hoped the alcohol could give him a peace that his own brain seemed incapable of. 
 
Shouto hoped the alcohol took his consciousness away from him.
 
It hurt so much to be there that he didn’t know how he kept his hands from shaking since his heart was breaking in a million pieces. Katsuki chose someone else. Katsuki was in love with someone else. And Shouto was there to celebrate the happiness of the love of his life. To see him wrapping his arms around her. To see him kissing her. To see him making plans with her. Creating a family with her, while leaving Shouto behind. While forgetting about Shouto’s existence. 
 
Maybe he could simply fade away, along with his memory inside Katsuki’s head. Not that he ever dared to think he was more than a passing thought in the blond’s mind. 
 
Going to this party had been a bad idea and Shouto felt on the brink of a panic attack. 
 
He was so miserable that breathing was painful, difficult, and his whole body ached. So he drowned it all with whiskey, finishing off his first glass and pouring himself a second one. Hoping for numbness, for comfort, for anything.
 
It never came, for he made the mistake of looking ahead. And Katsuki was there, in all his glory and beauty, dressed to impress, dressed like this was the best day of his life. Dressed to kill.
 
And Shouto was already dead inside. 
 
He felt like he was going to be sick. He was sure his heart broke all over again, and Shouto was sure he couldn’t handle it. Not anymore. This was too much. But it didn’t compare to when their eyes met… that was the moment that Shouto made a decision.
 
After that night, he vowed to never look into Katsuki Bakugou’s eyes ever again. He wasn’t strong enough.