That Boy

Cancer sucks

Things were changing now. My cancer was getting smaller, slowly but surely it was getting smaller. The biggest change was John. Every time he walked in the room and sat with me my cheeks would flush. He hadn't mentioned anything since that day he'd come back. Almost like it hadn't happened at all. He attempted normal conversations with me but they never lasted long before I'd act tired or something of the sorts. One day he came in with lunch. Lunch that wasn't hospital food. Hospital food is always gross. Lunch was good, chicken nuggets and fries. McDonalds wasn't my favorite choice but at this moment it was the best thing ever. What made matters worse is that every time John would come in to the room, my parents would always find a reason to leave.

Maybe they knew what had happened and thought there was something between us now. It was raining like crazy outside, thundering and lightning. For some reason I wanted to go out in the rain. Maybe I could get Mrs. Harpso to let me go out, in a wheelchair at the least. I pressed my call button since John had passed out in the chair next to my bed.

My nurse, Clara, came in, "Can I help you?" 

"Page my doctor. I want to talk to her please." She turned and went to find her.

Moments later Mrs. Harpso came walking through the door, "What is it Tess." John stretched and was sitting up awake now.

"I want to go outside, in the rain. I understand that my cancer is getting smaller but what if it stops working again and my cancer gets worse, again. I might never experience the feeling of rain again. I know I could just stick my hand out the window and feel it but we both know it isn't the same. I know I shouldn't be moving much myself but John is here. I can go out with him. I don't need a nurse or anything but if you want to send me with one then she can stand inside. Hidden away maybe out of site. I don't want to feel like I'm being watched or anything." I took a deep breath and sighed. "Maybe not a nurse at all would be fine."

"Well, since it's John you won't need a nurse, he knows your disease well enough but I guess you could go out. Only for a little bit and when you get back inside you'll have to shower. I was going to wait to have you bathe for tonight but since you insist on going outside its a necessity." She pinched the bridge of her nose, "Just the moment you start to feel tired come back inside okay? I'll have a nurse on hand by the elevators, not watching, just there in case. Probably Clara, she only ever cares for your case. Well let me get a wheelchair," She walked out to get one.

John beside me was staring at me, "That's the most I've heard you say in days. Are you sure you like want me to take you out? Not one of your parents?" He made some crazy face and I couldn't help but smile.

"No, your fine." Mrs. Harpso came in with the wheelchair and Clara. 

"Come on girl, let's unhook you for your adventure out for once. Wait, John out." Clara motioned him out. "Lets put something cute on you at least. You can't go out there in your gown silly girl." She started rummaging through my bag and pulled out some stuff. Then she brought them over to me and told me to put them on. Skinny jeans and a long sleeve blue shirt. My skinny jeans were a little big on me and the shirt was baggy. "Okay not that shirt maybe?" She went back over and pulled out a tighter looking black t-shirt and my zip-up blue hoodie. The positives, or maybe negatives, of chemo is it stunted my growth so in truth I could go without a bra most days as long as I didn't wear a skin tight or see-through shirt. She put a grey beanie on my head. "There you go girl. Lookin good." She smiled at me and started to set up the wheelchair Mrs. Harpso had brought in. "Lets go." She said once it was ready. 

I sat down and John peeked in the room, "Come on John, don't make her do all the heavy lifting." I gave him a wide smile and he looked down, smirking. He flicked his thumb on the bottom of his lip. I'd seen him do it a thousand times with other girls. He came over and took the reigns. I raised my arm, hand in a fist, "Onward my mighty steed!" Clara laughed as John pushed me down the hall. We made it to the elevators and got on, holding the door for Clara. She quickly squeezed in next to us.

"You guys are ridiculous." She smiled and John hit the button for the ground floor a million times, "Patients is a virtue John."

"Patients is hell." I heard him say half out loud and half to himself. I smiled, patients was the last thing he'd ever have. Finally the elevators opened and John hurried out to the rain, a nurse held the door open for us and then I could feel the droplets, at first slowly on my cheeks and then all at once all over my body.

I gasped as lightning shot across the sky and the rain fell even heavier. I started to get up out of my wheelchair but Clara pushed me back down, "If you start to feel tired remember I'm just in the lobby. Have fun, and don't get out of the wheelchair." Then she was gone back into the hospital.

"The rain, it's never felt so amazing in my life." I smiled and stood up again, out of the wheelchair. As cliche as it sounds I held my hands out to my sides and spun in circles in the rain. Then I ran into someone, "Oh I-" But it was just John.

He smiled at me as I caught ahold of the world being straight again. "You look good." He tried to catch my eye but I averted looking at him.

"You gave me the look in the hospital. John I'm dying, this can't ever be a thing." Even if the cells were reducing I wasn't not dying until it was gone.

"What are you talking about? What happened in the hospital the other day, you'll hardly look at me. Like I've done something wrong. You should be living your life anyways, not staying cooped up in a hospital room." He reached for my hand but I pulled away. "Tess, you can't hide away from me. You can't tell me that after all this time you've never had feelings for me." Tension, I could feel tension between us. "I'm tired of this, I want to know. If you die, I'll never know if you had feelings for me or not. I can't live never knowing. If you don't or never have then please tell me. But if you do then I want to know. I don't want us to be like this." He had the most serious face on.

"John." I had to sit down, my heart beat like crazy. I'd always had feelings for him, they were small but I had. Now that he'd come out about his affections for me I liked him even more but what if we date and I die, my death will be even worse for him. How could I suck him into something like that? I put my forehead against my hands.

"Tess, are you okay?" John bent down in front of me. Thunder struck and I jumped up out of the wheelchair.

"Jesus, that was crazy wicked." I smiled and then John was kissing me. His lips were wet and cold from the rain. His hands were even colder on my cheeks and the rain fell down hard around us. My heart beat fast and I was starting to get light-headed from it.

Then he just stood there, with my hands in his, "Just tell me the truth. You can't tell me you didn't feel anything there."

"Thats the problem John. I can't have feelings for you. Even if I wanted to, I'm dying. I can't let you go through something like that." I yanked my hands out of his and crossed them on my chest.

"Tess! Get it through your skull that I'm five years older than you, I can make decision for myself and you can't decide what I can and can't do. I want this and you've basically admitted to me that you do too. If your dying then you should try living a little, and loving. One of the greatest gifts in life is to love and be loved. Here's your chance, take it. Let me take it with you." He sounded like he was crying but with the rain it was impossible to tell.

"I just-" But I was defeated. Why couldn't I just try. What if I lived and then he didn't have to go through something like I thought. So I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. Then I lay my head on his chest, soaking in the rain but it didn't bother me. Not at all.