That Boy

It isn't fair...

 kissed him with such passion I thought my body would fall into pieces but surprisingly it stayed together. He kissed my neck hard as I removed our underwear. He hadn't been ready for that, for me to take the first move. Quickly, while still kissing me he pulled a condom out of his drawer and somehow managed to put it on in a matter of seconds. I'd never done this before but something told me that instinct would show me the way. He ran one of his hands up and down my body, over my stomach, my shoulders, my chest, my thighs. I could tell he was struggling against his own will, waiting again for my permission.

"Are you sure your ready for this Tess?" He was so gentle with me. Everything that would happen in the next few weeks would kill him. It would kill me to see him watch me slip away. I had to hold on to these moments like they were my last breaths. When I nodded he kissed me and I felt him in me. It was slow since this was my first time. He looked me straight in the eyes, looking for the slightest sign for him to stop. So gentle it killed me. 

When we'd finished he lay with his face in my neck. His body still above mine. I held him tightly to me, breathing, trying to catch my breath but it was so hard. My lungs wanted to expand but didn't know how. I just closed my eyes and breathed in and out like Mrs. Harpso had taught me. When I opened my eyes again John had moved and was just looking down at me, worry in his eyes. 

"Are you alright?" He asked, running his knuckles gently down my cheek. When the back of his hand reached my mouth I kissed his hand and nodded.

"I'm fine John. Just had to catch my breath." I looked at his body and wanted to make love all over again, but I knew I wasn't strong enough. My body was too weak from the cancer. Then I remembered what I needed to tell him. "We need to talk now John. Really need to talk." He laid down beside me, turning on another bedside lamp to brighten the room.

"What is it, my love." He smiled at me, so gentle. I kept thinking to myself.

"This may not seem fair to you and you may not understand but I'm going to need you to try." My heart broke as I spoke the words out-loud to him that I'd rehearsed a million times to myself in the mirror.

"What is it?" He asked again, this time worry furrowing his eyebrows.

"We've decided that this is just too much for me anymore. I fought this for five years and now it's back in less than a month its back for another round. I can't physically take five more years of this disease Jonathan." I never used his full name. Tears ran down my face as I watched realization sink into him, "I decided to stop the chemo." 

He was silent for several moments, then the tears overtook his body as he pulled me close to him. He wasn't afraid to cry in front of me and that was something I cherished. I wrapped my arms around his naked shoulders and held him as he cried, trying not to cry with him. I have to admit he didn't silently cry, oh no it was ten times worse to listen to him sob while holding me in his arms, his whole body crying with him. I stayed strong for him, he couldn't see me cry or he'd try to convince me to at least try and fight it. The hard part was knowing that I knew I'd submit and go back to chemo. 

After a long time he fell asleep holding me. After making love and then crying he'd wore himself out and I didn't want to wake him. Eventually after getting out my silent sobs of frustration and sadness I fell asleep too.