Escape Jacquie

Opening Up

I have anxiety. Idk if everyone gets this but every time I have a big worry, I get something that happens. For example, when my auntie worries alot, her hair falls out (No she does not have cancer). For me, mouth ulcers. They are really painful and I hate them. Back in January 2020, I had to have a few blood tests as it wasn't normal to have about 3 ulcers every month. My parents were convinced something wasn't right. But that wasn't the problem, so they associated it with my anxiety. And before you ask, no anxiety isn't just worrying. There's so much more to it. I explain it like this: Something that automatically makes your brain jump to the worst possible situation that, unfortunately, you can't control.

My sister also thinks I suffer from a bit of depression. I've kind relieved it now (mainly by watching Ocean ASMR on YouTube, check her out she's awesome) but I used to say I want to kill myself. I even knew how I'd do it. I'd hang myself. As quick and painless as possible. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself as some fat (28kg) tiny (137cm) girl that nobody likes. I used to live in the South of England. I loved it there because I actually had friends. Not like here where I have about 3 million fake ones. Every time someone asked me if I'd move back, the answer will always be yes. My 'friend' told me that 2 girls told her this is how they see me. A spoiled, ungrateful, messy girl. I'm sorry but you, Amelia, you have so much of everything from Smiggle and you still complain that's not enough. I am extremely grateful and even though my hair is messy, Julija, that's how I like it. I'm just being me, but apparently that's such a crime.

So there. You don't have to give me sympathy. I'm nothing special.