Pet | Kylo Ren x Reader | Precious Pet Series | Book 1

Lately I'm Not Feeling Like Myself

You curled tighter on the sofa in your dark room and prayed for sleep. Your head was a throbbing mass of pure pain. No position seemed to give you any relief. The pain radiated down your neck, it pulsed behind your eyes, it even made your teeth ache.

You kept hearing the accolades from the Order commanders. You had gotten so much from Wopece in fifteen minutes, and Salam in under twenty. Brendol had commented that if they'd had Jedi like you during his service, the war would've been over in a year. Hux had publicly commended you in front of all the commanders who had been present and privately thanked you while delicately cupping your face. He had wanted to apologize for his father, but you shook your head and refused to listen. You had excused yourself and maintained a cool facade while walking back to your room and then promptly crumbled when you finally got privacy.

It was almost 0400 and peace was elusive.

You covered your eyes as you tried to block out Salam's pleading. "No more, please, no more!" Wopece's weak "Please believe me." They had cried as you terrified them, as you chased them through their own minds.

You had tortured them because you felt you had to. You hadn't wanted to. You wished you were smarter to have thought of a better solution than mental torture.

But you weren't, so you couldn't.

This was your life now. You were an Order goon. There was no coming back from this. You were guilty of a war crime. And when the First Order collapsed under the weight of its own arrogance, you would go down with it. Ren might be able to get you out, but you would always be guilty of hurting two weaker individuals.

Everyone you had ever known before your awakening would be so ashamed of you. Your parents, your sister, Lor San Tekka. How could they recognize you now after you'd been so monstrous?

And you realized you could've made Salam and Wopece's approaching deaths easier. You could've given them peace and no pain. You could've given them their happiest memories to dwell in, but you hadn't. You had slunk away like a guilty coward.

And stars, you were such a coward. You had given in with hardly a backwards glance. What had happened to you? What kind of person were you now? You were the Order's attack dog, and that terrified you.

There were gentle hands on you, turning you onto your back, and you started crying again. Your face was hot and damp, and you weakly struggled against whoever was touching you. You heard your name and heard it again. There in the safety of the dark, you let out a wracking sob and pushed against the tender touch.

Big, strong hands held your face still, and you put your hands over them. They ordered the lights at ten-percent, and you flinched at the light and tried to turn away. Your vision was blurry with hot tears, and your nose was clogged. You felt awful and probably looked worse.

"Calm down," they said. "Calm down. It's just me."

You shook your head and fat tears rolled down your temples which somewhat cleared your vision. You stared up into dark eyes in an beautifully angular face surrounded wavy dark hair.

"Kylo?" you croaked.

"Yeah? It's me--"

You clambered over the short distance between you and wrapped your arms around his neck. You buried your face under his jaw. He smelled like fresh air and skin musk. He hugged you back and then slid an arm under your knees to pick you up. You clung tighter until he settled on the sofa with you on his lap.

Ren smoothed a hand over your hair and didn't ask questions. You wanted to apologize for being so clingy and weepy, but you couldn't find the words to even start. He gently shushed you and held you close.