Silver Lining

25. Love letters

4 days after

Theo had gone home for a couple hours to have a shower and get some clean clothes and stuff, and Zoe was supposed to be here any minute.

I was glad she was coming; I didn't want to be alone. When I was alone the thoughts couldn't stop, I just replayed the worst moments over and over in my head.
The room of eyes.
When he cuffed me to the bed.
That night on the couch with the knife.
The nightmares that had followed.
The panick attack.
I told myself not to replay those, just forget about them, but it was so hard.

I was sitting up straight on my bed, with my legs crossed, my hands on my knees and my eyes closed, as if I was meditating. I felt like I was in the box garden, at the back of Michaels house. I was concentrating on breathing in, out, in, out, trying to wipe the memory of the garden out of my mind, but it kept creeping back into my mind.

"Madison?" Someone asked, and I jumped.

"Oh! Zoe, sorry, you scared me," I said with a hollow laugh.

"Sorry! I tried knocking. Were you meditating?"

I shook my head. "Just trying to clear my mind. Oh, well, that's kind of what meditating is, so maybe I was? I don't know."

Zoe nodded, as she sat on the armchair in the corner. It reminded me of the last time she was here, the panic attack. I was kind of scared it would happen again.

"Have you had another panic attack?" Zoe asked.

I shook my head and looked away. "I'm scared I will, though." My voice sounded small.

"Do you know what caused it? Like, did you see something or did I say anything that may of caused it?"

"I don't know why it happened," I told her truthfully, and Zoe accepted it, didn't press for answers. I liked that about her, she believed what I said. I felt like I could trust her, because she had seen me at my lowest point and still cared enough to come back.
Or maybe she just came back because that's her job, said the little voice in the back of my head.
But no, Zoe was sincere. I could tell she really cared by the way she spoke, the look of concern on her face. When I told her about Michael cuffing me to the bed, she looked really horrified and shocked, like it hurt her too.
I didn't want that. Michael had already broken me, this didn't need to hurt other people as well.

Seven days after

A week after they found me, I was finally able to go home. Sure I was excited, but the hospital was safe because Michael had never been there, where as he had been to the apartment.

The wounds were healing up okay, but I'd have the scars for the rest of my life, although they would fade over time, they said. A reminder of what had happened, forever stuck to me.

When Theo opened the door to the apartment, Asher was waiting behind the door. He jumped at me, his tail wagging so hard it nearly fell off. "Asher!" I cried, sitting down so the little dog could lick my face. "I missed you, puppy." He gave a tiny excited bark, and I laughed.

"He missed you too," Theo told me.

"I thought he was at your parents place while I was in the hospital?" Becaue Theo was with me practically the whole time, Theo's parents were looking after Asher for us. They lived forty minutes away, on the Mornington Penninsula. They had a huge house with a garden that Asher just loved, and he always came with us when we went to visit them. Actually, most people we knew loved Asher and insisted on him coming with us when we visited them.

Theo nodded. "He was, but I went to pick him up this morning before I went to pick you up."

"Aww, thank you! Now we're all together again." I stood up, and Asher whined at me. He was so small that even standing on his two back legs, he only just reached my knee. On other people, who were taller than me (so most of the population), he reached maybe three quarters up their shin. I picked up Asher, and he squirmed in my arms so he was facing me and started licking my cheek with his tiny pink tongue. "No! Asher! No kisses, I don't want kisses," I said laughing. Theo appeared with his camera, and took a photo of Asher and I. "Theo! I wasn't ready!" I playfully slapped his arm.

"No, it's a nice photo Mad. See?" He showed me the tiny screen, and I looked at the photo. It was a good photo, but that was no surprise because most photos Theo took were good. I was laughing in the photo, and I realized that it was the first time that a laugh or smile hadn't been fake in, well, a while.

***

Theo went downstairs to get the mail, and I had a quick shower. Every shower I had felt like washing away another memory, another piece of Michael. I tilted my face towards the shower head and closed my eyes, the hot water bouncing off my skin.

When I got out of the shower, Theo was in the kitchen making spaghetti with spinach and salmon for dinner, one of our favourite meals. I looked at the pile of mail sitting on the bench looking for something interesting. A couple of flyers, the electricity and water bill, a bank statement, and... Aha! A letter adressed to me.

I sat on the couch and sat criss cross, and ripped open the envelope.

Dearest Madison,

I wrote this letter for in the event we get seperated somehow. I am writing this on the 13th of November, 2014, and I'm going to give this letter to a good friend of mine who will deliver it to you if we do part ways.
I will find you again, darling, don't worry.
I have a plan to surprise you soon, and take you back to my house so we can be together. It's the right choice.

I love you so much, and you're all I'm able to think about ever since that week when I was in year twelve and you were in year eleven where we dated. That was the best week of my life. Everytime I saw you, I'd get butterflies and it felt like I couldn't breathe, I was so happy.
When we kissed it was like fireworks, exploding all around my head. I know you liked it too, because you broke up with me the day after. You liked it so much it was dangerous, and you never could face danger.

I feel terrible lying to you, so I'm just going to come straight out and tell you. I had a relationship with another girl, Tanya. It was only short, and it wasn't as meaningful as our relationship. I did sleep with her, but the guilt consumed me so I let her go. I could never lie to you, darling.

Love, Michael.

I ran into the toilet and vomited, only just making it in time. "Mad? You alright?" Theo called out.

"Yes!" I called back, and vomited again. Had he kidnapped someone else? Was I not alone? The worst part was that he had broken two people in the same, cruel, way. Whoever Tanya was, she had to go through what I had as well.

Theo knelt beside me, and held back my hair without saying anything. I started to cry, and rubbed my back in circles. "It's going to be okay," he whispered to me.

I wished I could believe him.