Silver Lining

29. Look alikes

15 days after

As I waved my card over the machine at Flinders Street station, a train station in the city, the nightmare replayed itself in my head for the millionth time that day.

I sighed as the little screen flashed the words 'touched off', and walked through the gates at the same time as Laurel. "I love using these cards," Laurel told me, waving her Myki card at me with a smile. They were pretty new to us, as we didn't really take the train that often and Melbourne had only just started using the system instead of train and bus tickets. Everyone has a Myki card, and you have to load money onto it, a bit like an eftpos card. Before entering or leaving a train station or bus, you wave the card over the machine to touch on or off.

Laurel, Quinn, and I stood outside the train station bathrooms, waiting for Zoe. I had invited her along to our Christmas trip because she had just moved here from New Zealand and didn't really know anyone. I don't know if there was any rules about being friends with your therapist, but Zoe was fine with it and I'm sure she would of said if there was a law or rule or something.

Every year, Laurel, Quinn, and I did a 'Christmas trip' to the city to look around at the Christmas decorations and do last minute Christmas shopping.

Zoe came out of the bathroom, and we headed towards Federation square.

***

After having sushi and frozen yogurt in Melboure Central, a huge big shopping center, we went off in search of a new makeup store they'd opened. It took us forever to find it, and we had to use about three different information screen thingies, where you look up a shop and it gives you directions. Once we'd finally found it, we spent forever looking at all the different makeup and skin care products. Laurel was trying to find a new brand of toner, because the brand that she used had discontinued her favourite toner, and she said she felt too betrayed by them to try any of their other toners. So I was helping Laurel decide between the toner by Nars and the one by Clinique, when I saw him.
It wasn't really him of course, he had died of alcohol poisoning that night he caused the scars. I unconsciously ran a finger over the scar on my cheekbone, trying not to stare at the man. He was staring at me though, and hadn't taken his eyes off me for a full two minutes. It was starting to make me really uncomfortable, and I casually walked over to Zoe where she was looking at two lipsticks. "Don't look now, but there is a man over there staring at me, and he looks a lot like Micheal." I whispered to her, being careful to make sure my voice sounded calm and not full of panic like I was. Zoe quickly glanced over her shoulder, and then had to look again. That's how much he looked like Michael. And he was still staring straight at me, he didn't even try to hide it. "Don't worry, 'kay? It's definitely not him." Zoe reassured me. "Just ignore him. He's probably a fan of yours or something, and that's why he's staring." That actually quelled the panic quite a lot. I had forgotten about how much attention you got from the public, from fans or people wanting a photo or something. Going around the city with Laurel, we got a lot of stares and people coming up and saying hi to us because we were both well known. I loved meeting people when they came up to say hi or whatever, but it's when they just stared that creeped me out.

It was as if the man who looked like Michael could read my mind because he started coming towards where Zoe and I were. Zoe was looking at the lipsticks, and I was holding one too. I didn't even know which colour, I was just pretending to be interested in it but mostly I was just trying to calm the rising panic. I looked over my shoulder to see where he was, and I realized he was next to me, looking at a candle display next to the lipstick counter. He glanced at me and met my eyes, and smiled at me.

The panic came back.
I couldn't breathe, and it felt like I was falling.
And then I realized I actually was falling, and the floor was rushing towards me.

It wasn't that I fainted, because I remember all of it so I wasn't unconscious. My legs just gave out, and I was shaking a lot.

"Concentrate on your breathing," Zoe told me, and stood back up again to adress the small crowd that had gathered. Most had their phones out, filming me. "Can you please give her some space? And put that phone away, it's just plain rude." The crowd looked embarrased, and they all backed up and put their phones away. Thank God.
The only person that didn't back away was the guy who looked like Michael. My heart raced, making my chest hurt. I was sure everyone would be able to hear my heart beat.

"I can help her," said the guy who looked like Michael said to Zoe. "She's having a panic attack, I'm trained in helping people with panic disorder, I could give her mouth to mouth or something." Those words made my heart race faster, and I started to hyperventilate.

"So am I, and you don't give mouth to mouth to people having a panic attack, " Zoe snapped at him. "She doesn't have panic disorder, it's a one off panic attack." Lies. "So could you please give her some space?"

The guy backed off, but the panic didn't go away; it seemed to be getting worse.

"Can we g-go outside?" I asked Zoe, between gasping for breath. I had to get out of here, this was too much.

"It's very crowded outside Madison, it'll be worse. It's not the place that's bothering you, it's the thought. I know it's scary, but there is no danger."

I think I nodded, but I'm not sure. The fine line between reality and imagined blurred, and I wasn't sure what was real anymore.

*****
Authors note:

There's only five more chapters to post, and then this will be finished!
Thank you all so much for reading!

-Ella