Never Alone

my first diagnosis

Since I enter kindergarten , I've often been bullied and everyone hated me. I have no idea why myself either. Since then I hated school but nevertheless I managed to complete kindergarten and make it to primary school. This was when things started to escalate. First day of school new surrounding, new people ,new faces , all strangers around me. I slowly develope a pheobia for crowd. I felt like everyone is against me and everyone is simply just looking at me. From pri one all the way to pri 6 I was most of the time alone. No one wanted to be friend with me because I was the quietest and so called 'teachers pets'. The only time when people talked to me was when they needed something from me. Like money or stuff because I tend to give them what they want as I thought they will be willing to be friend with me if I helped them. After a while I realised I was being make used of. But even thou I knew I still continued helping them because firstly I have no idea how to reject people and I felt like If I reject helping them they will hate me even more and I have no idea why I'll feel bad if I couldn't help them. Secondly if I helped them I believe they would one day change their thought about me and would be friend with me. But well that's all my wishful thinking. Gradually this affected my studies a lot and I couldn't catch up in class. During show and tell presentation I often try to avoid or escape because I knew if I were to talk or maybe say something everyone would hate me even more. I started developing a fear for school and people as years go by. My studies just keep dropping and getting from bad to worst. This was still manageable for me as i can still cope and managed it. However things took a huge turn when my sister entered primary one . She ace in her studies and in all th subject. She have many friends, my parents were proud of her and her achievement. She is only one year younger than me. I started to feel more and more of a burden to my parents as I'm not as smart as my sis. When I was in primary 3 i often throw themtrum because I didn't want to go school. Because i didn't want to study. I often draw and tear my sis homework as that's the only way I know I can win her. But well my parents ended up scolding me.

A small info on my parents.. She(my mum) have anger management since I was small and at times when she needs to relese she would vent it on me and not my sis simply because she doesn't want my sis to be affected by her and just focus on her studies. He(my dad) only focused in work and is baised on my sis.This affected me more and I gradually hated studying and doing homework and would often make a fuss about it. To a extend my parents thought I wasn't okay and she bought me to Child guidance clinic(CGC) to get me checked. I was told to have anxiety and trauma. But it's isn't that serious and my parents also stopped bringing me back for follow-up. This continues all the way until I reached primary 5. I started skipping school. I would wear my school uniform so my mum thought I was heading to school when I wasn't. After a few days of skipping school my mum caught me nearby my house playground and dragged me to school. I was given detention after that and was put under counselling.

I managed to make it through PSLE(primary school leaving exam ) my final year exam and successful made it in to secondary school.