Memories Lost

Hawke Estate

Fenris pounded on the door of Hawke's estate. He needed to tell someone. But not anyone. Just Hawke. She would understand. She would listen.

The seconds seemed to drag on longer and longer as he stood in anticipation on the doorstep. He couldn't get the images of Hardrianna out of his head; how she finally bended to his will like he always had to hers. The years of abuse and torment would never leave his mind. How was it possible that Danarius could just stand and watch without feeling the slightest tinge of guilt? Oh, but his day would come soon enough. The feel of his hand finally crushing his maker-forsaken heart would-

"Oh, hello Fenris!" Bodahn opened the door and greeted with a smile. "Are you here to see Hawke?"

What other reason would I have? Fenris took a breath before responding. He had to calm down. "Yes. Is she...here?"

"Why yes she is. You're welcome to wait inside while I fetch her, if you'd like." The dwarf gestured towards the interior. "May I offer some wine? I think she still has a bottle of that special Tevinter brand you gave her not too long ago."

Fenris was about to accept the offer, but then thought better of it. "No. I'm fine." He needed to have a clear head.

Bodahn led him through the entry hall. "Take a seat anywhere you'd like. Now if you would be so kind as to wait a moment while I go get the messare."

Fenris nodded with Bodahn reciprocating the action as he exited the hall.

He took a seat on one of the wooden benches, the only one with chew marks. Even though the marks were made by Hawke's malbari, they reminded him of his old cot back in Seheron. It was such a joy to be free back then, to not have to fear of Danarius's return and know for certain you had allies that would give their lives for you. But it was all a lie. Those Fog Warriors would've killed him. After all, who would want an elf? An elf that could not control his emotions when they clouded his better judgment. An elf that could- did- turn on them when ordered to.

Did he even deserve to be free? Was it worth it? The way everyone's' intrigued yet disgusted gazes met his as he walked the streets of Kirkwall always sent chills and throbbing anger down his spine.

The only person that did not look at him strangely was Hawke. She accepted him for who he was, proving that when she visited him time and again. These past three years with her were beyond imagination. The countless adventures they went on, the stories she had of her childhood, she always listened to him as he rambled on and on of his hatred of mages and slavery. She opened up an unknown part of Fenris that wasn't all cold and condescending. And it was only because of her.

So why had he acted so harshly? She wanted to be there for him, and he turned her down. He could not forget the broken look in her eyes when he made that last comment about mages. "What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?" Of course there was Bethany, Hawke's sister, confined to the circle. How could he be so careless to admit that? Hawke loved her, and over time even he developed a moderate liking for the young mage. Although he didn't agree that she should be allowed to roam free and travel with the group, it was still an inappropriate comment to say.

Fenris sighed and leaned back against the wall. His lyrium markings constantly pained him, today in particular. Whenever he used his so-called "special ability," the pain he suffered would always magnify. It had always been like this. On the contrary, it was never said that revenge did not come without a price.

Again, he relived Hadrianna's death. He won this battle. It was him that took the final blow and crushed her heart with his own hand.

He hated her. How was it allowed that she could get away with everything she did? The way she touched him... abused him... and he was powerless.