THUD

chapter 3

Just as I threw my last pair of jeans into my suitcase I felt you stir in bed.

I tried my best to be as quite as possible, to make no noise so that I don't have to deal with you as I pack my stuff and get ready to leave.

It was my chance, my only chance to get out of this cage and set myself free.

But looks like it won't be that easy after all.

I shut my suitcase and close the zipper, lift it and carry it to the door. I set it down not giving a fuck if I'm making any noise anymore.

I am ready to fight.

And sure enough, when I turn around, there you are standing in the doorway looking all confused and sleepy. I remember finding this look on you adorable but now I see how stupid and naïve I was. Adorable and evil can't coexist in one body the way day and night can't coexist in one moment.

I hate you, I really fucking hate you.

I watched your face, waiting for you to notice the suitcase by the door, ready to fight this war. At first you didn't seem to even notice me standing here, your sleepy eyes were scanning the living room maybe looking for me. But then soon enough our eyes met and yours seemed to light up when you saw me. for a split second and a split second only my heart warmed up like it used to at the beginning but then the memories and the pain resurfaced and that warmth froze over.

"June?"

I didn't reply, I couldn't get myself to.

"wha-whats wrong?"

Of course you don't remember, whatever it was that you took last night must've drowned that out.

But I remember. I remember very clearly.

Your eyes finally find the suitcase and I watch them go wide, genuine shock filling them up.

"wha- June, June no. please. I- what happened?"

I still couldn't get myself to reply even though I knew that my silence will trigger your inner monster again.

You walked towards me, slowly and hesitantly, and when you were close enough you lifted your arms and tried to imprison me in your embrace. Without even thinking about it my arms shot up and grabbed yours, moving them away from me.

"don't touch me," I finally managed. I barely recognized my own voice, I sounded so cold and bitter and full of hatred and resent.

You seemed surprised and you dropped your arms and just continued to stare at me.

"we have been through this June; I was drunk or high or whatever. I don't even remember what happened. I didn't mean to hurt you; you know this wasn't me. I love you."

How do you manage to say the word love without a trace of love in your voice or facial expressions?

"I didn't fucking mean it June. Don't be dramatic and unpack your shit."

"No," I said, loud and clear, surprising both you and myself. Your eyes were no longer confused or sleepy no, the darkness was starting to fill them up, darkness mixed with anger and irritation.

"June. I'm not joking around here. Also I'm fucking hungry so if you can fast forward through this bullshit and make me breakfast," your tone was getting more and more aggressive and you know what? I wasn't going to have your shit anymore.

I'm not sure where I got all that courage from but I turned around, grabbed the car keys and reached out towards the door knob, rotating it and pulling the door open. But before I could properly open the door, you placed your palm flat on the door and shut it close with a dramatic slam that echoed through the house and sent a shiver up my spine.

I had an urge to close my eyes again, whatever you wanted to do next I did not want to see. But no, no I will not shut my eyes. Not today.

"Where do you think you're going?" you said, your cold eyes staring into me.

"Away," I said as coldly and calmly as I could manage.

"Wrong fucking answer June. Nowhere. Go back inside now and I'll let it go."

"So you are threatening me now yeah?" I don't know where that courage was coming from but god it felt good.

"Listen to me," I said quietly, "let me leave and let this end peacefully."

"Fuck no," you said right before grabbing me by the waist and dragging me towards the bedroom again.

I didn't want to go back there.

I really didn't want to go back there.

I'm not sure what it was, maybe it was the rage that was building up in me day after day that finally decided to explode. But whatever it was was what fueled my next move. Before I knew it my hands were pushing you away from me, untangling our bodies. Maybe you underestimated me way too much and was not accustomed to me fighting back or maybe your hangover made you weak but my blow was enough for you to fall backwards.

In movies, when something happens and they make it go in slow motion it's not just for artistic purposes no they're trying to recreate real life.

Because as you were falling back the world slowed down and I saw you, I watched you dramatically flail your arms and I saw your eyes go wide.

And then there it was, the horrible thud, the one that will forever echo in my brain. The thud that filled the room when your head collided with the corner of the wooden table.

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