Maybe In Another Life | Kellic (boyxboy)

After

Vic

To me the question has always been the same:

Do I still love him?

I've told myself over and over again that I don't. Of course I don't. It's been way too long since we were together that it would be virtually impossible. But sometimes, in the most unexpected of moments, my brain decides to ask that question, tricking me into believing that maybe, somehow, I still have feelings for Kellin after all this time. Like they never stopped existing.

Which is insane.

For one, I'm still married, and it makes me feel so shitty to have these thoughts. Even when my marriage to Thomas is basically over by now, I'm still committed to him. For now. Our situation is complicated. I know I told Kellin that Thomas was amazing, making him believe that everything was great between us, but it was far from true. We've been separated for a couple of months now. Me coming back home had to do something with that. I still wear the ring because I don't want to admit I failed at that too. And I don't feel right without it. Nobody knows about this except my brother. I haven't told my mom because it would make her sad and that's the last thing I want for her right now. I didn't see a reason to tell Kellin either.

I guess I didn't want him to pity me. His life sounds pretty good from what he's told me. And I'm glad he's found happiness after I left. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but I did anyway in the worst way possible.

I often think about how awful I was for doing what I did. I still haven't forgiven myself for ruining the best thing that's ever happened to me. Looking back I don't understand how I could've done such a thing. But I was seventeen and didn't know anything. Didn't think through a thing. Young and stupid. Very, very stupid.

I actually can't believe he stayed to listen to me. I can't believe most of the things we finally said to each other. I don't think he's ever said any of that out loud before. I know I haven't. But everything I told him was true. I spent years trying to relive my guilt for the accident and for leaving, but in the end that wound never healed. I just let it rest in the far corner of my brain and tried not to kill myself over it.

Of course I eventually heard about him being okay through my family back home. They all told me to reach out to him, but I just couldn't. I was terrified. And although it didn't make me feel any better for my decision, I was extremely grateful that he was alive. I probably would have lost my mind if he didn't wake up. And at least he could go on with his life, that way. I never thought about how I was hurting him more about not being there. I was really that selfish and I didn't even know.

But I never stopped thinking about him. And that question always circled my brain.

When I met Thomas I thought, this is it. This is my chance to let go of him. And it was. I finally let myself fall for someone new and it happened in the most beautiful way. Kellin became an afterthought. A memory stored in the far back of my brain. And I do love my husband, even in our current situation. All those feelings and all those years of relationship were just as real. But it kills me to admit that deep down I knew it was never the same. As much as I wanted to, nothing ever compared to what I felt when I was with Kellin.

At fifteen I wrote that he was my soulmate. And I still believe he is. But I fucked everything up. I'd lost him forever and I just had to live with my mistake.

But then I saw him again.

The second I realised it was him in the library it felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was impossible. But it was him. Same dark mop of hair covering his eyes, that pale skin and bright blue eyes, those long fingers holding a book. He looked like the years never passed him by. My instant reaction was to turn away and pretend I never saw him. Like how could I have the guts to approach him just like that? I really wanted to to just run away. But something pulled me towards him and before I knew it I was asking,