Come What May

Chapter 10

Regardless of the words she and Bert had exchanged with each other, Mary couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her duty and continued to care for Michael throughout the week. Each day he got a little better, but he still needed her. Whenever she had to be a nanny to the Banks family she would sit by Michael's bed whilst Jane went to school, the days were often quiet as the boy slept – this gave Mary too much time to think things over. She did feel guilty and she felt stupid – she didn't know why she was contradicting her own fears; the prospect of childbirth and all of the terror that it could bring with it still terrified Mary, yet here she was doing something that could gift the exact same fate. Maybe she did it because the risks were slightly lessened? She really had no clue. But she didn't want to abandon her duty or neglect Michael when he really needed her; after all, she was their nanny and she took so much pride at her job. It was what she excelled at.

But she felt somewhat defeated. Perhaps Bert was right, perhaps she was stubborn? She wanted to weep. Things had been flat between them over the last few days; she didn't think that they were angry with each other, but there was definitely tension. If their eyes ever met one of them would soon turn away and break the connection, they spoke to each other less and less – their words did not carry the meaning and emotion that they were accustomed to. She couldn't even remember the last time she kissed him. She threw her head down into her hands, she began to wonder why he was being so cruel to her, but upon asking that question she realised that she was the one being cruel to him. He cared for her and the baby more than anything else, yet here she was putting herself in danger – knowing how much that hurt him.

But she was stuck in an ocean of turmoil – and she was drowning. Anyone would give her the solution as if it were an easy one: that she should not return to the Banks household until it was safe for her, that she should return to the arms of her husband and apologise. But it wasn't that easy for Mary. It never was. Mary took her duties so seriously, anyone else would've happily taken time off until it was safe, but Mary didn't think she could bring herself to do that – her work meant so much to her. It was her pride and it was her identity – she treated her employment with the upmost respect and she'd never let anything get in the way of it in the past; after all, she was currently four months pregnant and still had no desire to stop working. She used to pride herself on her resilience, but she was starting to hate herself for it. There was a reason for why she worked so selflessly and she did want to lose sight of it.

When she returned home that evening she found Bert sat at the coffee table sketching, as she came through the door he looked up and managed to give her an uncomfortable smile.

"Evenin', Mary" he said plainly.

"Evening, Bert" she replied. It pained her to have them act in this way, "Michael's getting better" she added.

"I'm glad" that part was true; in spite of everything, Bert still loved the Banks children.

"I think he should be right as rain within a few days…" she could seem the tiniest glimmer of hope in his eyes, "…but he still needs me"

That was what killed the glimmer – extinguished it like water over a dying flame.

"I see…"

God, she hated herself right now.

"Bert, I -"

"—You don't need to explain yourself again, Mary" he said flatly – he could feel his chest aching.

There was that turmoil again – she felt utterly suffocated by it all…and the pain on Bert's face broke her heart. But what was she to do? Both her options would cause hurt for somebody.