Come What May

Chapter 12

Bert had been gone a few hours and Mary had not been able to stop the tears from falling – her eyes were red and sore – her cheeks dampened. Ever since he stormed out she had remained seated on the bed and her hands lay on her stomach, she could feel the gentle kicks of her unborn child – which only heightened her guilt.

'Why am I like this?' she thought, 'Bert is the best thing that has ever happened to me...he makes me so happy…and I want to be with him, I want a family with him…I really do…' she wiped her eyes, '…do I really want to keep travelling?'

She hated herself for being so selfish and self-absorbed, it was true that she didn't want to give up being a nanny, but she certainly didn't want to give up her life with Bert, she loved him and she loved this child. A realisation was beginning to dawn on Mary and she felt so stupid for realising it so late, she did love her life as a nanny, but she loved her life with Bert even more. She had always thought that she would never be able to be a mother – fearing that her work would keep her too busy – but now she had that opportunity, it was still surreal, but he weight of it finally dropped on her. Naturally giving up what she had known and loved for so many years would cause her some pain, but the joy of being with Bert and the joy of being a mother would make it seem so insignificant.

'Oh, Bert, I'm so sorry…I was so arrogant that I didn't even realise what I had…and how much I loved it all…And now I've driven him out the door…' she thought, 'How could I be so self-centred, what was I thinking? How could I possibly suggest that I should travel and not let him see his own child?!...He doesn't deserve someone as cold as me…'

Then panic started to rise through her limbs. Bert had been gone for hours in the middle of a storm. Her mind began to race and she felt herself freeze slightly; where could he possibly be? Was he safe? Was he going to come back tonight? Mary had a horrible foreboding – she believed that the answers to those questions would break her. But what was she to do? It wasn't safe out there - especially if you're alone…would she be able to look for him? But where would she begin? She couldn't fly in the storm. She felt as if black mist was circling around her mind – her breathing began to increase in pace and she just wanted to scream. A crash of thunder awoke her from her thoughts – a few droplets of sweat decorated her forehead.

She was terrified, although there was no explicit sign that Bert was missing or in trouble, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling in the back of her mind…she had driven him out into the storm and she would do anything to make sure he returned safely. With steely determination she wrapped her coat around her, took a firm hold of her umbrella and marched out of the door. She didn't dare to think about returning until she knew that Bert was okay; she didn't care if he had simply taken shelter at a friend's house and didn't want to speak to her – just as long as he was okay. The intensity of the storm hit her like a gunshot and she clutched onto her opened umbrella like her life depended on it. She began to stride through London – battling against the opposing rain drops that attacked her unprotected skin. Mary was usually so head strong and calm, but in this moment she felt utterly helpless, she needed to talk with someone, she needed advice and she needed comfort – it was not typical of her to ask for such things, but she knew she wouldn't survive this period of panic without them. There was only once place she could go, only one person she could visit: Uncle Albert.

She was soaked and shivering feverishly when she knocked on Albert's door – fresh tears had also fallen from her eyes by this point. It was late, but Albert was still dressed; he looked upon his niece with confusion, but once he could see her reddened eyes he looked devastated.