Under Control.

18. 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘥

Her alarm rang, it was 19:30 already? Time had passed by so quickly; she was busy with her assignments. She concentrated really hard knowing this was what she was here for. Knowing she was on a scholarship. There was no getting distracted again. Karishma wanted to learn to forgive herself, to not feel stupid whenever he crossed her mind here and there. It was honestly getting better, it was. It was like a seesaw; one day she was over it and thriving, the next it would hit her like a train. Back to the alarm, this was around the time; she took her birth control. There was no longer a need but she needed to finish this monthly pack before completely stopping. Hunter has used her enough, Karishma told herself she wouldn't allow herself to be intimate with him again. That's how it went, she would promise herself, they would stopping talking for a couple of months then they'd see each other this one time and it was back to square one again. This time everything seemed different. He wasn't pestering her as much as he did in the past. So far so good, she thought.

She looked at herself on the mirror noting the eye-bags that displayed themselves below. Her eyes dull and spiritless from lack of sleep, her lips dry— lately she had been forgetting to even eat. It was not intentional, she always lost track of time. With her internship, piling assignments, upcoming graduation. Everything seemed like a lot. Three more pills then she would be done, with this pack, that life, everything that reminded her of him. She washed her face with cold water, brushed her teeth then went back to the room she shared with Sofia. She contemplated going to back to her desk to continue working or going straight to bed to sleep. The problem is if she didn't keep her mind busy, it would go back to him and she didn't want that at all.

"Why are you on birth control? I never actually see you getting any?" Sofia interrupted, playfully.

Karishma was caught off guard a bit. "It has many uses... I use it for acne and stuff."

"...since when do you have acne? you told me you always had clear skin! Remember when I showed you my high school pictures before I got on accutane."

"Oh-I-guess things change. It was just a bit." Karishma mumbled.

"Kari, are you having sex?" Sofia asked clearly amused.

"No!" She replied defensively. "It's also for period cramps amongst other things."

"You're so secretive yet I tell you everything."

Karishma felt bad. It was true, she was closed off. As much as Sofia and Imani included her in their friendship. She always kept to herself and never said too much. She was ashamed, what would they think of her after finding out. They knew Hunter, but not personally. They often complimented his physic and looks but it was never anything above that. Karishma would never tell a soul, not until everything had blown past the current situation. She still cared about him, she did not want him to lose his job or anything of that sort. The feeling might not be mutual but she cared for him. She did not want to see him suffer or have cruel intentions for his marriage. It was never Rachel's fault. In any position, Karishma would have also sent those nasty Facebook messages to the woman who was entertaining her husband. It was something to be upset about. She had every reason and right to be that hostile, this was the father of her daughter. The man she had been married to for years.

It was then Karishma thought of the child she almost had with him. She tried not to dwell on it. She had given Hunter the copy of the picture of the first and last ultra sound she did at planned parenthood. It was too soon to be able to tell the sex. Hunter wanted her to keep the baby, he promised he'd support any decision she made but it was clear he wanted her to keep the fetus more than anything. She had to think about her position, where she was, where their relationship stood and overall her family. When she found out she was pregnant, Hunter seemed more excited than upset, she was terrified stiff.

Returning back to her small desk in one corner near her bed. She tried her best to not think about him. Everyone made mistakes, she had to learn to forgive herself. Karishma felt so much self hatred. Hatred for not asking more questions, for being naive and gullible. Sofia left, as always she was hardly ever around. It was just her and silence. She found it hard to concentrate. Thankfully, there was nothing else to do. She had already deleted every picture, message, video, conversation that ever proved they were once together. It wasn't easy but it was a good start. She had to witness all those joyful memories when she thought she was extremely lucky and felt on top of the world. She felt as if she was in a coming of age movie. He was always there for her, always. He made her feel as though she was the only person that mattered. That wasn't the case clearly. She constantly asked herself, what did he really want from her? Free sex? Sure but it's not as if they sex every second of the day sometimes hardly. What did he want from her, if he was working on things with his wife? It left her befuddled how people simply enter your life, acting as if they have good intentions only to ruin you while they continue to live peacefully. In the end, he constantly told her; he would never leave his wife. She was inlove and clingy. She continued being hopeful, that he would finally see her as the bigger picture not just the side play thing. That was the mistake, she was too hopeful and trusting. She refused to believe that everything had been a lie, a fabricated lie. The sooner it started to settle in and dawn onto her the better.

Love— was complicated. She doubted she'd ever be open to the idea of opening up fully to someone so they can hurt you.

There was a sudden knock on the door. She wasn't expecting anyone. Sofia had left with Imani and Adhira never came around this time. Opening the door stood a young man — door dash?— with ordered food delivery from Minetta tavern and Delmonico's. Those were two of her favorite restaurants in all of New York, Hunter took her there a lot. He was after all the one who had introduced her to it. They were top rated and costly, she always felt bad when he spent so much on her but he never seemed to mind. Karishma hated it, she felt as if he was paying to get in her panties, paying for whatever she wanted so he wouldn't feel guilty for using her. She was confused— "Hi, uhm I didn't order anything."

"Your boyfriend did and he tips well. Don't worry about the fees. It's all good." He said handing her the two bags. They smelt heavenly but she couldn't give in. This was exactly what he wanted. What kind of game was he playing. Couldn't he just leave her alone for good news sake. It was hard enough trying to forget about him when she had to face him almost every day...

"Please return it, is that possible?"

"Nahh, look man; I didn't drive all the way to beaver street only to be told to return it."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to make your job difficult but I can't accept this—"

"You sure as hell are making my job difficult. It's just food, take it. Whatever the dude did, talk it out. Look I gotta go for my next delivery. He tipped me too well, I can't disappoint him."

Karishma had no choice but to accept it.

She felt angry, harshly closing the door. She unblocked his number. Immediately calling him. "What's wrong with you?! Please leave me alone. Just leave me alone stop bothering me." She felt like crying. Her appetite immediately disappeared.

Hunter breathed out, a sigh of relief. It was as if this was what he wanted and he had succeeded. "I know you're probably not eating..." she heard him say though the receiver.

"And whose fault is that? Please Hunter, I'm begging you. Stop it. Let me go."

"Karishma, I can not just pretend not to care about you. I can't just pretend, I don't know you."

"Y-you, I hate you Hunter!"

"Granted, I deserve it." He murmured lowly. In the background Karishma heard his daughter saying something. It was in that moment she realized, he was winning. He wanted to find a leeway back into her life and swindle her like a puppet. While he had a family to go back home to. Not saying a word, it really wasn't worth it. They had been through this before. She could only hang up. Blocking his line again. It hurt, it really hurt to hear his voice. She missed him. It hurt so much. She knew she had to persevere everything would be okay. 

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