anything; everything - tskym

CH 4 - Lame

TSUKISHIMA’S POV

“Kageyama said you have a girlfriend!” Hinata yelled at Tadashi. What? Since when? I couldn’t help the sinking feeling inside my stomach. I tuned out whatever they were saying and walked away.

I was too late. Only recently, I had realized my feelings for Yamaguchi, but I was too late. He had a girlfriend now. I grit my teeth as I entered the class. I heard a loud “Boke, Hinata!” echo behind me as I took my seat. I barely listened during class. When Yamaguchi entered the classroom late, I felt my heart drop even more.

The rest of the day just sped by. I skipped practise with a lame excuse that I was sick. Back in my home, I immediately ran to my room and locked the door. Once I was alone, I started to cry.

“Idiot, idiot, idiot…” I hissed into my pillow. “You idiot… Yamaguchi has been by your side for so damn long… how could you just let him slip away so easily?”

I started recalling all the good times I had spent with Yamaguchi. How much I’ve mistreated him during the past few years. He would patiently wait for me all the time. He never forced me to do anything. Ever. I don’t think I even have a happy memory that Yamaguchi wasn’t in. I didn’t have a sad memory that Yamaguchi wasn’t there to help me.

Why was I so damn selfish?

Why couldn’t I just be happy for my friend?

I groaned into my pillow. Then I sat up straight and wiped away my tears. Get yourself together… I thought and got up. I went to the washroom and splashed water on my face. After, I checked my phone and saw I got a new message from none other than Yamaguchi himself.

Y: Heard you got sick, hope you’re feeling okay :)

My heart ached. Tadashi was the kindest person I’ve ever met, and I don’t deserve him. It hurts even more because if I realized earlier, he could’ve been mine.

T: Yeah, I’m fine

I lied. Sighing, I got out my headphones and clicked play on a song. I cringed when it started. Seriously? Out of all the songs in the playlist, this one? I was about to change it, and then I sighed a let it play.

I’m obsessed

I want to count the freckles on your face

Rearrange them, put them in the same place

I’m obsessed

I’m obsessed

It all reminded me of Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi and his adorable freckles that reminded me of constellations. The way I longed for his touch. I groaned as I listened to the music. Why am I like this? It’s not like anything was going to change unless Yamaguchi starts to spend all his time with his new girlfriend than me.

I started to laugh at myself. Spending all daydreaming about someone that’s out of your league?

How lame.

Editors note: I hope you felt attacked by my last statement :)

YAMAGUCHI’S POV

I couldn’t help but notice that Tsukki had been acting weird lately.

“You know if anything’s wrong, you can tell me,” I say on our regular walk back home.

“Everything’s fine,” He said.

“That’s like the fifth time you told me that,” I protested. “But you’ve been acting weird lately,”

“Is that good or bad?” Tsukki questions. I sort of hesitating before answering.

“I’m not sure,” I confess. Tsukki hums in response, quickening his pace unknowingly. Tsukki does that when he’s in a bad mood as if he was trying to run away from whatever irritated him. Was he trying to run away from me? I walked behind him in silence.

“Did I do something wrong?” I mutter softly. He stops abruptly, and I almost crash into him. 

As he looked at me I could feel myself shrink. The modest height difference made it seem like he was looming over me, like the day he saved me from the bullies. Tsukki didn’t say anything as we locked eyes, and I slowly lost myself in those charming brown eyes of his. I stared into his eyes and wondered what was going on inside that mind of his.

“No.” Tsukki said finally then turned around and continued walking. I scrambled to catch up with him and the rest of the walk was in awkward yet comforting silence. 

I thought about a lot of things that night. He’s been acting weird ever since that day Hinata crashed into us in the hallway. Did something happen then? Maybe Tsukki finally realized how lame I was. He could do much better without this clumsy kid following him around like a puppy, so perhaps he’s trying to get rid of me?

Tsukki was smart, calm, tall… Tsukki was the definition of “cool”. What was he doing hanging around with somebody like me? He deserves a friend who can match up with him, not me. 

“You can’t think like that!” I scolded myself and groaned into my pillow. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to imagine Tsukki and I together. God, he was like a model with his beautiful blonde curls and intelligent eyes behind his glasses frame. While I was… like that guy in the background of a photo, ruining it. 

Then I imagined him with a girl. She had long, straight brown hair that glowed in the sunshine. Her pretty green eyes were bright and stared directly into Tsukki’s. They looked so cool together, the ultimate couple. Tsukki was better off with someone who could challenge him and push him to be the best, not somebody he had to wait for, scrambling to catch up with him constantly. Somebody like me.

When Tsukki started to ignore me during school and practice, it confirmed my suspicions. This went on for a week or so, and I’ve never felt so lonely before. Eventually, I got fed up with just being tossed aside from Tsukki. We started to grow apart, and I found comfort in Hinata and Kageyama’s company, though it wasn’t the same. 

Until one wretched day, we were put as partners for a science project—just my luck.

“You can come over sometime so we can work on the project,” I suggested on our walk home. Tsukki mumbles ‘sure’, then puts his headphones on. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked. I scoffed, getting no reaction from him. I know Tsukki loves music, but he never, ever put his headphones on while walking with me. Doing that was just like he was saying, ‘I’m done with you, leave me alone’.

“Fine, Tsukki,” I mutter to myself, staring at feet. “If you’re going to block me out like that, I could say whatever I want.”

I clenched my fists inside my pockets and kicked at the concrete. “You’re an asshole, Tsukki. I’m tired of always following you around like a dog just for you to ignore me for no reason. I give you space and time, patiently waiting for you to let me in, and what do you do?”

I let out a sigh. “I should’ve seen it coming. I always knew that one day…”

I stop talking for a moment and catch my breath.

“One day, you’ll decide that I’m lame after all.” 

Tsukki stops walking. I look at him. To my horror, he’s staring at me, one hand on his headphones, resting on his shoulders. My eyes widen, and I feel my stomach somersault.

“O-oh.” I stutter, taking a step backward. There was hurt shining in his eyes. Pain. Did I say all that? Did he hear all that? 

...Did I mean all that?

I turned and ran away, Tsukki didn’t call after me. I could feel his gaze burning into my back as I disappeared around the corner. The answer was clear to me as I burst into my room.

Yes.