I think trying is getting too hard for her. Another birthday came and went for her last month and she refused to celebrate this year. We haven't addressed it, but I think she's done putting herself through this. Honestly, I'm not sure I blame her. I can't believe we stuck with it this long. Two and a half years we tried. Doctors. Fertility treatments. Everything we knew to try, we did. And we failed. She looked broken and it was almost too much for me to take the last couple times I watched her check the test results.
Meanwhile, my solo project soldiers on. I still need to work. Things were moving along well for once, and somehow I find myself in the studio with Mick, John and Christine. Mick laid down some drum tracks. John laid down a bass line for me. Next thing I know, Mick shows up with Chris in tow and the four of us are playing. The only thing missing is Stevie, and her absence is glaring. They keep wondering where she is, and I can't seem to tell them.
I call again. I haven't heard from her in a week, and I know she's actively ignoring me right now. I step back into the studio and shake my head. "I can't get her on the phone."
"Oh, let me try," says Mick, swiping the phone from my hand. He hits redial and waits. I can hear her yell through the other end of the receiver, but can't make out what she's saying. "Good to talk to you, too, love," he starts and then pauses to listen, laughing a little. "We are all over in Lindsey's studio. Join us? ... Chris, John and myself. ... Yes, all of us ... Brilliant. We will see you soon."
"She's coming?" I can't hide my surprise.
"She'll be here in an hour. Thought I was you at first, mate. You two fighting again?"
"No. We're... it's complicated."
"Always is," says Chris, rolling her eyes.
She comes over and turns on the charm. Everything actually feels, well, pretty good. I guess distance does help. Everyone scatters late that night and she tries to leave with the rest of them. I catch her before she goes.
"Lindsey, let go of me."
"Not if you're going to run away." She sighs and let's me bring her back into the living room. "What's going on?"
"I can't do this. I can't keep holding out hope for something that isn't meant to happen," she says.
"It's okay, honey. I understand."
"You do?"
"I hate watching you put yourself through this."
"I'm so sorry," she says, breaking down as she walks into my arms.
"You have no reason to be." I have no idea what to do next. "I would give anything to change this."
"Me, too." She steps back and holds my hands. "It's been over two years. Do you realize that?"
"Since we started trying? Yeah."
"47 is too old. I'm too old now. I skipped my last period. I was excited at first. Then I realized it wasn't because I'm pregnant."
"So you're..."
"Getting really close to menopause," she says sadly, sitting down. "I missed my chance." I join her on the couch, our thighs touching, both of us staring straight ahead.
"I'm so sorry, baby."
"Well, you'll have a lot more time on your hands, I guess," she says, dabbing at her eyes with her sleeve.
"I like spending time with you, Stevie."
"Go find someone younger. You can still get what you want."
"There are other ways. Adoption, for one..."
"Lindsey, I mean it. We can't make this work. You should go find someone and start a family."
"Why can't we make this work?
"You know that every time we try to take the next step it blows up in our faces. Please go find someone that can do this for you."
"I think I want you, Stevie."
"No." She shakes her head. "Especially if we're doing this reunion tour. Us on the road together..."
"You know we're different now."
"Are we, though?" She stands up. "I love you, Lindsey."
That's the first time she's said that since we started... whatever this is. I'm speechless for a second and stand with her. "I love you, too," I say, finally finding my voice.
"Please don't throw away your chance at a family for me."
"There isn't anyone else," I say, echoing her words from the night she stormed in here and made me fall for her again. I have no idea why I waited this long to tell her I love her. Maybe I was too afraid of scaring her off again. She kisses me on the cheek and disappears, shaking her head as she walks out the door. By the time I get outside she's getting into a car and refusing to look back at me.
I try to do what she says but really, it fucking sucks. I find a girl to call my girlfriend. Sort of. She distracts me sometimes. But really, I picked her up because she looks like Stevie, and I was tired of being alone. She comes and goes for the next few months, and I'm sort of surprised at how willing she is to put up with my inconsistency.
Honestly, she's a warm body and she's easy to be around. If I can't have Stevie, that's pretty much all I care about. She's young and drags me to things that keep me busy. Well, they did until tour planning took over my life. I haven't seen much of her lately. It's probably for the better, since I'm about to see a lot of Stevie and it's going to get harder.
Stevie holds her silence for months. She managed to ignore me in planning meetings for the tour, only addressing me as necessary. By the time rehearsals start I can't stand it anymore.
"Let's go get lunch," I say into the mic. The rehearsal schedule is intense, and that is by design. We work hard and I know we have a lot of ground to cover to make this reunion what it should be. Once everyone scatters, I see her getting coffee in a break room and charge in, shutting the door behind me so she's cornered.
"I can't deal with this." She stares at me like a deer in headlights. "God damn it, say something!"
"We need to get back to work," she says calmly.
"No. Not until we talk. Six fucking months? You can't even call me? After two and a half years of... everything we went through you think you can just walk out and ignore me?" I've had months to let this anger build, and while I'm trying to keep my temper, my voicing is rising. "I thought you had grown up Stevie. I thought that you were more mature than this. You don't just get to run away from things that make you uncomfortable. That isn't how this goes. We are going to be spending a lot of time together this year and I'm not going to let you make this miserable."
"You have a girlfriend now."
"Kristen?"
"I don't know her name. I saw you with her."
"You told me to find someone else. I'm trying. It isn't working," I say flatly.
"You'll find her," she says, pausing to touch the side of my face and look at me gently. For just a second, I think she's going to kiss me. Then she sweeps out of the room. I throw my coffee mug at the wall and head back to rehearsal.
