Things go back to whatever normal is for us. Honestly, I don't even know what that means, but it's good. We're actually having fun. Rehearsals are fantastic. I stop seeing Kristen, but Stevie still refuses to let me call her my girlfriend, so we're kind of at a stalemate. Until she changes her mind, we're both "alone." If alone means spending your whole life with another person.
After what feels like forever, we finish with tour prep and get on the road. We arrive at the airport and she spots me immediately, throwing herself at me. I laugh and catch her, kind of proud that I can still elicit that kind of greeting.
"You ready to do this?" I say to her, kissing her discretely. The band knows what's going on - they're not idiots. We try to keep it out of their faces though.
"Maybe more ready than I have ever been in my life." I know what she means. Having all the drugs out of the way and all the relationships mended is a new thing for us, and the air is truly clear for maybe the first time in this band's history.
Excited chatter surrounds us, Mick making himself the center of attention, as usual. No one cares. It feels good.
I cuddle up next to Stevie on the plane and talk about nothing for a while. Everyone is so excited that the normal routine of crashing the second you take your seat is not in place, so the buzz surrounds us until we land.
The tour kicks off beautifully. We make it through the first couple months without a hitch, and things with Stevie are just... fun. I'm in my dressing room alone, warming up and deciding where I'm taking Stevie tomorrow on our day off when my door bursts open.
"Kristen," I say startled. Security follows her in and grabs her arms, trying to remove her. "No, it's okay guys." They look agitated, but they leave.
"I didn't mean to burst in. I've been trying to get a hold of you for days and haven't been able to find you... I need to talk to you, Lindsey."
"About?"
"I'm pregnant."
"What?"
"You heard me. I'm having a baby. And it's yours."
"You're sure?"
"Yes. God, what do you think I am?"
"I just... Jesus, Kristen, We're going onstage in 15 minutes. Your timing is shit."
"Do you not want this baby?"
"That isn't what I said at all. I... we can talk about this later. I can't do this right now."
"You're going to be a dad. I thought you'd be a little excited."
"Go, please. You can stay backstage until we're done tonight."
She storms across the room and I see Stevie's face as she swings the door open, tears already forming in her eyes. Kristen shoves past her and I let her go, but Stevie rushes off in the other direction. God damn it.
She gets to her dressing room and locks it, leaving me in the hallway banging on the door. "Go away."
"Come on, open up."
"No."
"Stevie, open the door." Silence. I wait a few minutes and she finally opens it.
"So I was the problem," she says softly, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Oh, baby." My heart physically aches right now. "We can't do this yet. Please. We have to get through this show."
She nods and I watch her straighten up and wipe her tears. "My make up..."
"We have a few minutes. Go ahead," I say, ushering us both inside and shutting the door. She stands in front of the mirror and touches up her eyes. I want to say a million things but I know better. We'll both fall apart.
Somehow, we manage to put on a fantastic show. The second I'm off stage, reality hits me again and I pull Kristen into my dressing room.
"We have to talk fast. We have an early flight tomorrow and I need to go," I say, trying to let her know that I mean business.
"Why don't I just come?"
"No. Kristen, we are not going to be together. It won't work."
"You're going to leave me with this baby?"
"I didn't say that. Of course I'm not going to do that. That child will want for nothing. And I want to help raise it."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that you're not on your own in this, but if you came here thinking this meant you were starting a family with me, then you should adjust your expectations." It sounds so harsh, but I know that I have to make this clear from the start. I can't be with this woman. All I can think about is Stevie and how this is absolutely ripping her heart out right now. I need to be with her.
"Fine."
"How far along are you?"
"Twelve weeks."
I nod my acknowledgement. "You have anything you need. Just ask. Please let me know how you're doing. I'll have a little down time coming up over the holidays."
"Thank you. I'll be staying with my mother."
"Oh, good." That alleviates some of the guilt I feel about leaving her alone during pregnancy.
"Well, I guess that's it then."
"Kristen, I'm sorry things aren't different. Thank you for coming to tell me."
"I do understand, Lindsey. Thank you for doing the right thing."
"Of course." She looked slightly less panicked than she did when she got here, so I guess that's the best we can hope for in this situation.
I rush back to Stevie's dressing room and she's already gone. "She left," Karen says unnecessarily. A few month in and I'm already getting a sense that she doesn't like me.
"Where is she staying?"
"You know she keeps that private."
"Seriously, Karen?"
"Fine. Here's the address and room number," she says jotting it down on a piece of paper.
"Thank you," I say, already rushing out the door.
By the time I get there, I've managed to create a million scenarios in which she never speaks to me again, but I knock anyway and am surprised when she answers immediately. She walks right into my arms, and I kick the door shut behind us, holding her tightly.
"I am so sorry, Stevie."
"You didn't do anything wrong," she says, her voice quivering. "It just should have been me."
"I know." She's still clinging to me, so I just hold on and wait for her next move. She doesn't say anything else for a really long time, which scares me more than raging or sobbing or any other possible reaction. She finally lets me take her to the couch and she curls up against me and falls asleep. I don't have the heart to move her, so I kiss her head and try to sleep beside her.
