"Ours? You're..."
"I went this morning for my first appointment. I wanted to be sure nothing was wrong..."
"You're pregnant," I say, still a little in shock. She laughs and I open up my arms and crush her body against mine. "Oh my God."
"I'm almost 10 weeks."
"How long have you known?"
"About a month."
"And you didn't say anything?!"
"I didn't know how things were going to go. I still don't. I'm too old for this."
"Apparently you're not," I say, still grinning.
"I was 18 weeks last time, Lindsey. We aren't out of the woods yet. But the risks really decrease after the first trimester, and I don't have any of the red flags I had last time."
"And you're significantly healthier now."
"I am," she says, smiling. She's trying not to get her hopes up too much, but she's absolutely glowing. "But, I'm also almost 50. So, the fact that this is even a possibility is like, blowing everybody's mind."
"Nothing ever really goes down normally for us," I remind her, hugging her again. "But they're turning out pretty damn well. And why the hell did you keep this from me for so long?"
"You know why I did!"
"Don't keep secrets. Please. Even if it's hard. I want to know, and I don't want you to do this alone. Promise?"
"Lindsey, there are some things..."
"No. Not regarding this. I'm sorry, Stevie, I'm done not knowing. You've kept me in the dark over and over again, and from here out, you tell me everything."
She pauses, contemplating. I know my insistence on this is probably a little unexpected, but she doesn't look like she's shutting down, so I'll take that as a win. "Fine, you're right. We're doing this together."
"Thank you," I say, kissing her head again. "This is why you were sick the whole last month of the tour."
"I've been so sick. Not as bad as last time," she's quick to clarify. "But I'm so tired of hanging over a toilet. It should get better once I'm done with this trimester."
"Here's hoping."
"They gave me the ultrasound early because of all the problems... normally we wouldn't have it until 4 or 5 months."
I let go of her and go back to the folder. "I have no idea what any of this actually is," I say honestly, and she laughs.
"No one does. That's why they label it. Here's the head, the legs, the little baby butt," she says, touching the photo, showing me the labels the tech so helpfully added. She's almost crying, her eyes glued to the nearly indecipherable image in front of us.
"I see it now," I say, more enthralled by her reaction than I am by the pictures. Tears have started to fall down her cheeks, and I grab her hand and bring it to my lips, smiling at her. I'm tearing up just watching her get lost in her thoughts, knowing exactly what she's picturing right now. "She's going to be okay."
She nods and turns to me, smiling through her tears. "I'm so happy, Lindsey. I know that I maybe shouldn't be just yet, but..."
"Of course you should be. We have another shot at our perfect little person," I say quickly, trying to echo her optimism from when we started this journey.
"She told me about all the risks. She said it's dangerous, and wanted me to terminate the pregnancy."
"She what?"
"I told her it wasn't an option, obviously."
"I can't believe she said that."
"Well, I'm switching doctors now."
"I hope so," I say, more indignantly than I should have. "Sorry, I just..."
"I know. We tried really hard for this."
"And there's nothing wrong."
"So far, nothing."
"Come here, mama," I say, pulling her into my arms again. "No matter what happens I'm with you, okay?" I can feel her nod against my chest.
"You'll have two, about three months apart."
"We will."
"Kristen isn't disappearing."
"No, but you will absolutely be a major part of my kid's life.
"Isn't she going to..."
"We are sharing custody. When that baby is in my care, he is in yours."
"It's a boy?"
"Yes, he's a boy," I say proudly.
She gets quiet, and I know she's thinking. "Her name is going to be Bella." She's always wanted a little girl.
"That's beautiful," I say, hoping she continues to dream for a minute. She doesn't, shaking her head to bring herself back to reality.
"Anyway, I'll go back every two weeks for now. They're watching me closely because of my age and my history."
"Can I come next time?"
"You want to come?"
"Are you kidding? Of course."
She grins and hugs me again, holding on longer this time. I grab her chin and tilt her face toward mine, leaning in for a kiss. She doesn't resist, kissing me back eagerly and throwing her arms around my neck. "I love you."
"I love you more," I say, kissing her again. "I want to go to bed."
"Lindsey! It's the middle of the day," she says coyly.
"Stevie...."
"Come with me," she says, leading me to the bedroom. She takes off my shirt, and I immediately go to remove hers. She raises her arms and lets me, then falls backward onto the bed, giggling a little. "I not going to look like this for much longer, you know."
"Oh, stop it." I join her on the bed and make quick work of removing her jeans, unabashedly staring at her very naked body for a minute. For once, she doesn't seem self conscious or uncomfortable and she lets me. I kiss her, then move down her neck and chest, pausing when I get to her belly. There's a baby in there. Our baby. She knows exactly what I'm thinking, and I feel her playing with my hair gently, giving me my moment. "You are amazing."
"Come here," she says, and I meet her face to face, kissing her lips. "For the first time, I'm not scared of this," she says thoughtfully. I know exactly what she means. This new life we are about to enter is daunting for people like us. People who have never settled. People who live like we do, like we have lived in the past... it's hard to imagine being anchored by a child.
"You shouldn't be scared," I say, taking her into my arms. "We've wanted this for a long time." she doesn't say anything else, letting me hold her for a minute.
She starts kissing my neck again and reaches down to tug on my zipper, refocused on the task at hand. I help her take my pants off and make love to her, finally feeling like everything is falling into place.
I collapse onto her chest and lay there for a while, letting her touch my shoulders and play with my hair while we lay silently. I'm not getting out of this bed for anything.
