𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗜𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗗𝗿𝗮𝗺𝗮 𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗴

journal entry i.

Date: August 18 2020
Have you ever just like, wanted to succumb to your thoughts? Even if they're extremely dark and just.... bad period?

I don't know why I mess up everything I touch. I'm starting to think there's something entirely wrong with me. For the past few months, something has always gone wrong. Starting with my breakup, to the whole callout bullshit I went through on TikTok, to now.

I just.... I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. Or that I completely fucked everything up at some point. Am I selfish? A monster? I kinda feel that way. I feel like I can never do anything right, but I guess that's just normal human beings huh.

I lost so many people this year. I lost the person I saw a future with, I lost not one, but two close friends. I'm just tired of losing people. And what do they have in common? Me. I'm the common denominator, and so like. It just makes sense that I'm the problem... right?

Everyone tells me that I deserve the world, and more. And that anything that has happened to me recently isn't my fault. But what if it is. What if it is my fault? I could've prevented a lot of things. Maybe if I stayed quiet.... things tend to fall apart as soon as I open my mouth. Because I can't for the life of me word things correctly.

I would cosplay to help with the extreme crushing weight of my bad energy, but I don't like anyone that I cosplay. Everything just seems wrong. Like I'm not doing it right, and then I end up not liking it.

I give my all to people. But that's not enough is it.... it's really not. My brain is all over the place and my thoughts are just getting so loud and I hate. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Maybe that'll help... maybe. Sigh. I'm just so tired of being used and abandoned... but... I guess maybe that's because I'm the one giving them a reason to. Gotta figure out what it is. Gotta fix it.