My Life (ft me:)

drowning

Have you ever thought about what it's like to drown? How it would feel? The feeling of life slowly seeping out of your body and into the mists of nature; Leaving your body to flout in the water, all by itself. The feeling of everything slowly disappearing and every part of your body begins to feel numb to the point where you can't even feel anything anymore.

Some would say being depressed is like drowning. Or that's how it feels at least.

It's hard to put into words, I mean we're talking about a disorder of course it would be difficult to write.

If you were to sit down with a friend who was always happy and or has never experienced being depressed before and tried talking to them about the feeling of depression, how it felt you would probably confuse them. That's why most people just keep it to themselves, cause most of the time they don't even know what's wrong.

It's like everyone around you is above water while you're slowly sinking deeper, and deeper, until you can't swim back up. You're stuck there with no one but yourself to keep you company. And slowly, you begin to panic; the realization of losing breath hits you and sooner or later. You're gone.

People walk by me everyday thinking I have it all, that there isn't a single thing wrong in my life but boy would they be surprised if they knew the true horrors that go on beside closed doors.

Even though I smile, even though I laugh, even though I breath it doesn't mean I'm okay. A lot can hide behind a smile, some just don't care enough to put in the effort to notice it or ask about it. Just walk by without saying a word, because they simply don't care.

I wake up every morning thinging the same thing, why? If life is gonna treat me like it doesn't want me why keep me? I'm one to believe in mother nature, as do many people. If you don't belong then mother nature will take care of it. I'm a believer in soulmates, in love stories, all that jazz. But I'm always left confused, cause I feel so left out, so alone. Yet I'm still here. If I don't belong why am I here? I don't get it.

I'm tired of waiting for someone to notice I'm not okay, for someone to ask me "hey, how are you? Are you okay? You haven't been acting like yourself lately" but I never hear it. Nor do I think I will. Yet I still sit and wait to hear it, wait for someone, anyone to notice I'm not okay, but it never happens; and I just can't seem to accept that. It's like my brain is trying to get me excited about something I know damn straight won't happen but I still sit and wait for it.

When I was little I was always so joyful, so happy. Always full of laughter and smiles but now the only thing I feel is emptiness. That pit of nothingness in my stomach that won't go away. No matter what I do, I could eat away my problems but I normally don't eat at all. Eating to me makes me want to puke, so I just don't.

Over the course of these past few months I have almost stopped eating completely. Fun fact is I don't even try too. it just, happens. This depression has took a toll on me, and no matter what I do it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

Depression is something that has taken over the teenage mind. And adults. It makes you so weak, so vulnerable to such little things. Makes you think you aren't enough, "you'll never be enough" you're mind will say. And there won't be much you can do about it but just, let it be.

Depression comes with suicide most of the time. Makes you feel so much self hatred towards yourself that it drives you to kill yourself.