Ashes

Chapter 10: The Ocean

AHSOKA TANO

Ahsoka stood in front of the burial site of the 332nd clone battalion, looking at each and every helmet sticking out of the ground in front of her. Every single one of them was dead. As their commanding officer, their deaths were on her.

Order 66 wasn't her fault. A chip in their brains made them do it. If she had accepted Maul's proposal to work together to stop Sidious, every single one of those men would be standing in front of her. She wouldn't be standing in front of a graveyard. She let her personal feelings get in the way when Maul brought up Anakin. If she'd actually listened to her Jedi teachings and made an impartial, objective decision, they would be alive right now. She failed them all.

She removed her lightsaber from her belt and held it out on front of her. She didn't deserve to wield such a powerful and elegant weapon anymore. She wasn't a Jedi. She'd failed at that, too.

She turned the lightsaber and placed it firmly against her stomach, her finger hovering over the power switch. It was so easy; with the push of a button, she would be dead, just like she was supposed to be.

She could feel Rex's eyes glued on her from where he stood by the ship. He had been through a lot, too, and as much as she wanted the overwhelming pain to disappear, it wasn't fair for Rex to have to bury her, too.

She let the saber fall to the ground in front of her before looking up at the crash site. Why hadn't she just stayed on the Venator when it crashed? Maybe then, she wouldn't have to live with the weight of knowing that so many were dead because of her.

No, that wasn't it. She shouldn't have tried to save herself when the kill order was given. That way, the clones would be on their way to Coruscant to deliver Maul to justice. Because of her selfish attempt to escape, a dangerous criminal was on the loose, and she had to bury the family she'd fought beside for years.

She sighed heavily as a tear rolled down her cheek. Whether she wanted to or not, she survived. She had always been taught that the force worked in mysterious ways, so she just had to trust that there was a reason she was alive. She just had to find it.

After one final glance at the wreckage, she turned and walked towards Rex and the Y-Wing. It was the dawn of a new era in the galaxy, and somewhere out there, there was a place for her in it.

Ahsoka shook the image of the graveyard from her mind and leaned her elbows against the railing of the balcony overlooking the ocean. She had been alone in her bedroom for hours, enjoying the peace and quiet. Or at least she had been before she zoned out.

Her hand absentmindedly traced a scar on her upper arm from a stray bullet she'd taken while fleeing the Jedi cruiser. Even though she tried so hard to move on from that, all she had to do was look in the mirror to be reminded of the past.

There was a soft knock at the door. She remained silent, but the door squeaked open anyway.

"Hey, 'Soka."

She breathed a sigh of relief. There was only so much formality she could take in one day. "Hey, Lux." His soft smile sent a calming wave through her body.

"Koyi and Alema are entertaining the rest of your family for the time being. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay." He took a few steps closer and stood next to her.

She appreciated the gesture, but seeing the wrecked cruiser again resurfaced feelings she wanted to shove back down into her core.

She rested her head on his shoulder. "It's pretty, isn't it? The ocean?"

"Beautiful," Lux said, though judging from what she saw through the force, she knew he wasn't talking about the ocean at all. He traced his fingertips along her bicep just over the scar left from Order 66. "Talk to me, 'Soka. I just want to help."

She closed her eyes and focused on the sound of the waves as they crashed against the shore. "I was fourteen when I was shipped off to war. I was hungry and eager to prove myself to my master and my men, but as the war went on, I didn't feel like I had to keep fighting to impress them. They became my family. Then, before I knew it, I was expelled from the Order, and the 501st stood by me. Things changed after that, and when I was given a chance to come back to my family, I took it. I led them into battle one last time on Mandalore, and they all died. Every single one of them is dead except for Rex, and who knows if he's even still alive now."

"What happened to the clones wasn't your fault, and you know that. There's nothing you could have done."

"My point is that I killed them. I destroyed my last family. I don't deserve this one. What if I mess it up again?"

He turned her in his arms and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Sidious destroyed your family, Ahsoka. And the Emperor destroyed Sidious. There's nothing you could've done. You aren't going to mess anything up here. They just want to get to know their sister. How could you possibly mess that up?"

Ahsoka raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Lux chuckled. "Okay, not really, but you get my point?"

She nodded, and before she could stop herself, she threw herself into his arms. She buried her head in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Don't leave me here alone," she whispered.

"I won't. I promise."

Maybe it was the calming effect of the waves in the distance or the sense of security she felt in his arms, but in that moment, any resentment she had for Lux floated away. He had already sacrificed so much for her in the short time they'd been together, and he'd matured so much since Onderon.

"I forgive you," she breathed barely audibly.

"Hmm?"

"I forgive you," she said, "for Onderon."

"You mean that?"

She smiled against his chest. "Yeah. I do."

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I'm all moved in now, so after this week, things will calm down and I'll have more time to write. This was a shortie, but the next one is going to rock the boat a little bit. I'll post my drawings in the next one, too.

Until next time, may the force be with you!